You'll have to read this one to believe it!

One Friday night, my roommate decided to leave for the rest of the weekend. So I invite my girl over. Dinner was great, we watched a movie, and then we get into bed for some SERIOUS playtime. She was no stranger to this. I keeps it real with my shit. Anyway, we start messing around and like 20 minutes later she is fully naked, begging to go down on me. Here is where shit got really intense. Everybody is aware of the stereotype of black dudes having rather large members. Well I never thought my genes were gonna come back and haunt me.

Twenty seconds into it, she stops. I was like, ok, maybe just getting warmed up or whatever. Negative. It’s pitch black, and I ask her what is wrong. No response. I say again, and no response. The lamp was on my desk, and out of reach, I go for the handy dandy surefire. What I saw was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life. Her jaw was offset to the right, and dislocated. I have never seen a human being’s mouth open as wide as hers was.

Immediately I jumped up and told her to close her mouth. “HAAAAAGH AANT” was her reply. Holy fuck. This bitch is for real. I get out of bed and run to the computer and furiously google the term “LOCKJAW”. Soon I find that we are gonna have to go to the hospital. One problem. No vehicle. My college is a suitcase school , which is to say that everyone goes home on the weekends, so no friends to call.

I rush back over to the bed, and she is still there, now crying and ass naked. I help her put some clothes on, and try to figure out some hasty solution to get her jaw to relax. ICE! I proclaim. I don’t have any ice. What I do have is frozen burritos. 2 of them. Beef and bean. So I grab them from the fridge and put them on her face. HAHAHAHA is the only thing I can say next.

I couldn’t help but laugh…that shit was hilarious. But it ain’t over. I remember that her car is parked out front, but it’s a stick, and I can’t drive a stick, so guess what? Yep. Miss Lockjaw, you’re drivin. We get in the car, her mouth still wide as shit, and she's in the drivers seat and we RACE to the hospital. 75 in a 25 and we get blue lights. We pull over and I make mistake number one. I jump out of the car and begin to run to the officer to explain.

I am 5’11, 250 lbs and have wide shoulders. Me running at a cherry cop at 0330 wearing nothing but PT shorts and a white t shirt is not the most reassuring situation. He is furiously trying to get his gun out with both hands, and I am yelling the whole time for him to chill out. Anyway, he never gets his weapon out, thank god, and I tell him to follow us, cuz uh, “we got a situation going on over here.” He does, and doesn’t write us a ticket once he follows us to the hospital.

We get there, and the ER nurse is checking her in, and asking all the normal questions, and then asks how it happened- my girl looks at me, and then I look at the nurse. APPLES! Is what comes out. “WE WERE EATING APPLES!”

The nurse looks at her and goes “bless your sweet heart. You look like you are in so much pain.”

Soon, the doctor comes in the room, and sets her jaw, and gives her some Tylenol with codeine because she was in so much pain. It is a relief for her, having spent the last 45 minutes in total shock and extreme pain. He then backs up against the desk, looks at her, looks at me and crosses his arms. “NO MORE ‘APPLES’ FOR A WHILE” he says to her as he stares at me.

“YES SIR” I promptly reply. PHEW! It is finally over. I felt so bad for her, but what can I say? It’s in my genes … it’s in my jeans.

Hope it was as fun to read as it was to be involved! I still laugh to this day when I think about it. I'll never look at frozen burritos the same.