His drunken genius is truly something to behold

I've read about some truly wild guys on this website: drunk, stoned, or sober, there are definitely a few completely unique and nuts dudes out there. Add one more to the list: Bart, the most impulsive, dangerous drunk that ever terrorized the streets of Omaha. This Bart story goes something like this.

One pretty lame night on Christmas Break we were at my buddy Bart's parents' house, who were out of town. It was set to be a pretty low key night, and we started casually drinking at about 5:30. A couple buddies of ours, Cesar and Jean-Michelle, came over with a 30 of cheap beer and a handle of vodka. They also brought a real annoying lightweight named Dale who ended up almost getting the shit beat out of him.

After a few shots and a massive quarters game with these four guys and my girlfriend, Deanna, we were determined not to make it a "low key" night anymore. But what to do? No parties to crash, nothing going on. But we had more alcohol left. Bart, it must be mentioned, is the champion of all alcohol consumption in my city. Rumor has it that he once downed 25 beers and began to bawl because he wasn't drunk yet. So the Booze King starts really pounding the vodka and hatches a plan for the evening.

It was about 9:30 or 10 and a weeknight, so most of the peaceful residents of the neighborhood were asleep already. Bart rounded up Cesar and Jean-Michelle and they took off in his Ford Explorer, and apparently went exploring, because when they came back, they arrived with the strangest shit I have ever seen - an American flag, two park benches, and a scarecrow stuffed with straw that was spilling out of it as he dragged it into the basement, where Deanna, myself, and Dale were still drinking.

Bart shouts at me, "Get out here! We need more fuel!" I guess he was planning on a massive bonfire ...

So I double-checked to see if I had hair on my balls and hopped in with the other three drunks. Dale was annoying as hell and I'd been thinking about beating his ass and leaving him outside, but I opted to just leave Deanna and Dale passed out inside as we set off into the neighborhood for a little scavenger hunt. We collected all sorts of weird items (without owner's permission, of course) and threw them into the Explorer.

Bart would spot something on a second floor apartment balcony, like a set of wind chimes, and decide which of us was to go get it. Cesar somehow climbed up to the balcony and retrieved the chimes, which were noisy as hell, and promptly fell to the ground from the balcony. As if the racket from the chimes wasn't enough, we couldn't stop laughing for at least five minutes. We figured we should head out after the light came on, so Cesar scrambled, in some way uninjured from the fall, into the car and we sped off.

At this point we've been out for a few hours and stealing shit was getting real lame, so Bart drops us off at his house and says: "Sorry guys, this next part I can't drag you into. But I gotta do it."

He grabbed a can of gasoline from the garage and left us there, apprehensive and laughing hysterically at what he was about to do.

We had no idea what the specifics of his plan were but I was tired from all the running around and went inside to pass out, figuring I'd pick up Bart at the police station the following morning.

A half hour later, Bart is heard pulling into the garage, so we all get a beer and investigate. All the shit we had stolen was gone, as was most of the gasoline he'd taken. It turns out that he'd gone to one of the busiest intersections in the area, parked his car on the street, and created a massive bonfire of scarecrows, flags, benches, and all sorts of random things. After that I couldn't take any more and passed out.

The next day, sure enough, was a story about a bonfire in the middle of this intersection at 3:30 A.M.

Tragically, Bart was later apprehended for theft because one of his books (with his name written on the inside cover) ended up in one of the victim's yards, connecting Bart with the deed. But he was never connected with the fire...

Probably the funniest part is that Bart is now in India helping the poor with a humanitarian organization. I'd say that he's made up for his wrongdoing many times over.