For instance I learned Haus disliked showers, dining halls, school, and sunlight.

After spending a couple weeks over the Christmas break at my parents house, I was excited to be back on campus. Just before leaving for winter vacation my roommate informed me that he had gotten a job as an RA the next semester and wouldn’t be back after the hiatus.

Of course I was thrilled. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Todd. In fact you couldn’t really ask for a better roommate. He was gone most of the time and even went back home every weekend to work in his parents family business. He was a nice guy, kept to himself, worked hard, and kept the room pretty clean. Actually between the two of us our room was immaculate for two guys living in such a small space. The guys on our floor gave us shit because our room was so clean and smelled like potpourri.

When I returned to school that day I was expecting my room to be empty since I was informed before break that it was highly unlikely they would give me a new roommate. As I climbed the stairs to my humble fourth floor abode, I was thinking about what to do with my newly acquired living space. I couldn’t wait to get in and start rearranging the room. I unlocked the door turned the handle and pushed.

The door opened about four inches before it struck something and stopped. “OH SHIT” I exclaimed. “I can’t fucking believe it.” Before I could get too worked up the door opened and there he was. All 250 pounds of him “Oh, you’re here. I wasn’t expecting you. Come on in.” he said. I thought “How nice of him to invite me into MY room.”

At this point I was already overwhelmed by what I can only describe as funky BO and rotten chilli. The room was pitch black even though it was three in the afternoon on a bright sunny day. The only sources of light in the room were a black light hanging from the ceiling and a strobe light in the corner. He had taken the blankets off my bed and used them to cover the windows. I immediately walked over and took my blankets down and turned to see what he had to say. As he stood covering his face and squinting as if allergic to sunlight he said “Oh sorry, I was going to take those down before you got back. I’m Fritz, but everyone calls me Haus.”

At this point I was already pissed but I figured I should at least try to like him “Nice to meet you Haus!” I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I quickly found out that the smell in our room really was BO and old chilli. It seems Haus really had a thing for chilli dogs and had evidently never been informed about hygiene. In the nightmarish five months we lived together he showered only twice. I’m not sure he owned a toothbrush and if he owned deodorant and cologne, he surely never bothered to use them. He didn’t like to leave the room except to go to the bathroom and down to the dining hall to get, you guessed it, Chilli dogs. Did you know that Chilli Dogs taste better when eaten in a cramped stuffy dorm room. Me neither, until I met Haus.

When you live that closely with a person you quickly learn their likes and dislikes. For instance I learned Haus disliked showers, dining halls, school, and sunlight. He did however love the foulest smelling raunchiest make you rip farts all night in your sleep foods, but I think his true love was sleep since he did it about 12-15 hours a day.

Oh, and he hated people in general. Most of all his parents which he made sure to remind me of every day. He constantly reminded me how smart he was. In fact he was so smart he didn’t even need to go to class. I believe the entire semester he attended about four classes total. He must have been really smart to take fifteen hours and only need to go to class four times. How lucky of me to room with Stephen fucking Hawking.

Haus did manage to keep himself busy. So busy in fact, he never found the time to masturbate in the 12 hours a day that I wasn’t in the room. Maybe he thought I wouldn’t notice a 250 lb. lump of shit whacking it on the top bunk of a creaky thirty year old bunk bed. God I wish he was right. Unfortunately for me, it’s not only impossible to ignore, but it will wake you up from a dead drunken slumber at 5’ O Clock in the morning thinking there is an earthquake.

Did I mention that happened to be his normal bedtime since he was a vampire and couldn’t venture out in the light of day.

Well, I must have been even more nuts than Haus, because I managed to stick it out the entire five months. As our time together was coming to an end, I began to become overwhelmed with joy at the thought of getting away from Fat Bastard and never seeing him again. That’s when the story gets good.

In the last week of school Fat Bastard had to call and tell his parents to tell them that he had wasted yet more of their money and failed all of his classes. Of course daddy wasn’t happy and drove up that day and spoke with the school psychologist. He managed to convince them his son was, for lack of a better word, fucking nuts. They agreed to drop him from his classes in the midst of finals instead of flunking him and ruining his perfect transcripts (yeah right).

I have no idea what transpired between him and his dad but, when I came home that evening the room was destroyed. It seems the genius decided it would be a good idea to drink a bottle of vodka with a half bottle of his ADD medicine put Korn on full blast, and turn our room into his personal mosh pit. Being fairly shit faced myself, I jumped in the mosh pit and began wailing on his fat ass. At this point our RA finally came in and pulled me off him. He was screaming and crying like a little girl and telling us how he would burn his parents alive if they tried to put him in an institution. Scared that he might try burning me in my sleep, I decided to sleep in a friend's room.

When I came back to my room the next day, Haus was gone, along with all his crap. It felt good to finally get rid of him. Of course I was moving out the next day myself so I only got the room to myself for a day, or at least I thought.

It being our last night before moving back home for the summer, some friends and I went out for one last night on the town. We met some girls and ended up back at a friends room on the floor above mine playing drinking games. I ended up taking one of the girls back to my room. We opened the door and stumbled into my room to find Haus in his underwear passed out on the top bunk, which was completely bare of sheets or blankets. I immediately started yelling at him and throwing whatever I could at his head. He didn’t budge.

I checked to make sure he had a pulse. He did.

Well at this point me and this girl were drunk and horny and decided to go at on my bed anyway. Just as we get our clothes off and start going at it, Fat Bastard sticks his head over the side of the bed and starts hurling down into the heat register. He must have had one too many Chilli Dogs for dinner. At this point the girl begins hitting the bed and screaming obseneties at him. That pretty much ruined the mood and we ended up passing out.

We woke in the morning to someone banging on the door at 7:00 A.M. It was my RA and before I could get my hung over ass out of bed he decided to open the door and let himself in since checkout was in an hour. Well my sister and mother were there to help me pack up my shit. They along with the RA walked into my room to see Haus passed out in his underwear, puke down the wall, and me and some topless girl in my bed.

Well we ended up getting everything packed up and moved all while Haus slept in his tighty whiteys. I’m not sure where he is now, but every time I see some crazy bastard on the news who killed his parents, I think of him.