As soon as I realized she hadn't screwed my buddy, I was all over her (with her roommate in the same room)

BBHM, the one steadfast unbreakable rule among college males. Bros Before Hoes is an unwritten but somehow still ironclad law, which all men are required to follow. Friendships have been ended, lives have been ruined, men have died (or worse, married) because of disregard of this rule.

I, however, was a firm believer in BBHM and had always been, and in the Dream Team, this law was more important than ever (mainly because Fantasy, Catman and Fortune were fucking studs and I didn't want them stealin' my women).

I remembered thinking this as I was housing this on her couch with the "Madagascar" menu screen lingering on repeat in the background...and her roommate sitting right beside me. It was then when I realized, women have no such rule. Which by all means sucks for them, but for me/us/males everywhere it's AWESOME!

I'd somehow found myself smack dab in the middle of an ongoing whore war between two very competitive roommates.

I'd actually first saw Tina in one of the most unlikely of places on earth, a club. I know, shocked me too. It started at 9:30 with Catman, Fortune, Fantasy and I sitting at a round table in the 2nd floor of the Dome downing shots of something lime green and singing the words to “Sweet Caroline” to the beat of “Hey Ya” (which was playing at the time). All the while Big Paulie was getting the DJ to teach him how to run turntables.

Post finals celebration was most definitely off to a good start. At this point the club was still pretty empty, but that was cool cuz this group could make it's own party. By 10 pm we had pulled all the shot girls onto the dance floor to join in the giant monkey orgy known as dancing. One thing I've learned about women is that most girls are pretty cool, and EVERYBODY wants to have a good time, even when they're working.

And that's when she and I locked eyes, the 5ft 9' brunette with the Cosmo cover smile and the Vikki Secret Fall catalogue pg.23 figure. She was a solid 8.5, maybe even a 9! Needless to say she was most definitely a front runner to be my new girlfriend. I turn around for TWO SECONDS, to throw a mint in my mouth and think of a quick line to break the ice, "Hey...there," yesss, perfect.

But alas, that would turn out to be a fatal mistake, for when I turned around I saw that Fortune had already swooped in and had the girl fawning over him, yes that fast...DAMMIT, not again. I gave her a half hour, hour at most before she'd be flagging down a taxi for an all-night nookie session. Ahh well, strike that one up to missed opportunities.

It's now midnight and the club’s filling out. Fantasy, Big Paulie and I are sufficiently trashed, but ended up scoring a private booth because of our newfound waitress friends and our intense game of flipcup with actual glasses. Catman is partying over at the table beside us with 4 very drunk chicas, here's a little excerpt from the conversation I overheard:

Chicas: I LOVE taping myself having sex, but I HATE watching it! I look like SUCH a dork!

Catman: That's funny, I look AWESOME when I have sex. Ever seen American Psycho?

Chicas: Umm no, why?

Catman: Let's just say there's mirrors on my ceiling for a reason.

Whenever Catman talks to girls, within 2 minutes the convo usually ends up about either sex, or him, most of the time both.

Fifteen minutes of intense flipcup later, Catman motions us over to his table to meet his newfound friends (standard procedure) and then suggests that we all go get some breakfast (also standard). The way this all worked out, Catman had Sandra, the Brazilian ass model lookalike, Fantasy had Lisa, the marginally-less-hot but-still-smoking brunette with a slight tan, I had Brigid, a 7.5 at best but still humpable-ESPECIALLY-with-beer-goggles blonde, and Big Paulie had the 200 lb fuggo most resembling Patrick from Spongebob who was playing tag along, hey, someone had to take her.

As any uni student knows, "breakfast" after clubbing is merely a formality that comes before the monkey sex, it's not a "real" thing. So we all order the mandatory orange juice with a side of bacon and get the show on the road. Unfortunately, Mrs. Butterworth to our right decides to order four pancakes and an omelet. It's 3 in the morning, none of us are hungry, however we're ALL horny and now we're PISSED, congratulations Patrick, you've pissed off the Dream Team.

By 4 am, we're all fed up of this girl's constant consumption and Sandra opted to jump ship and just hit the road with Catman.

Next was Fantasy and Lisa, after a quick awkward silence followed by a stunted goodbye, they were out the door.

Now it was just Big Paulie, Brigid, fuggo and me left. Now I am definitely the most loyal of my friends, and under any circumstances would NEVER abandon a buddy to get some stinky pinky, however I was drunk and didn't think about that at the time. So ten minutes later I suggested to Brigid that we get outta there and she quickly jumped at it.

Up to this point the night hadn't been very special, sure we were getting laid, but definitely not in any extraordinary way, so thus far wouldn't have even been a story if it wasn't for what was soon to follow.

As Brigid and I pull up to her apartment in a taxi, I coulda sworn that in the distance I saw a man most readily comparable to Fortune walking down the street. Remember now, I hadn't seen him since he and that chica left the club around 5 hours ago, plus I was now nowhere near there and it was pushing 4:30 am.

"No WAY it was him," I thought, "I must be drunker than I thought."

Fast forward, So I'm now sitting on the couch in the girl's living room watching Madagascar and making out on the side. She should NEVER have put this movie on, mainly because...I...LOVE MADAGASCAR, and as horny as I was, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch a good Disney film, what can I say I've been hooked ever since the Lion King. The Lion King 2 sucked.

About half way through the movie (around the "I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT" music video) I heard something move in the kitchen. When I asked her what it was she replied, "Oh, that's just Tina, my roommate."

Being curious, I had to see just who this "Tina" was, and opted to "go get a glass of water."

As soon as I walked in the kitchen, my mouth dropped. Standing right in front of me having a bowl of Cheerios in what looked like only a Leafs jersey was, in fact, the brunette with the Cosmo Cover smile. WHAT ARE THE ODDS, really? I defy you to work that out.

I was at a loss for words, a sign from God maybe? Am I destined to be with this girl?

Me: Noo fucking way...

Tina: (startled) It's you! This makes no sense, what are you doing here?

Me: Fulfilling my destiny, that's what (grabs her and starts a passionate tonguedown).

Okay, that last part I made up, I actually said "Umm, I wanted to watch Madagascar," gimme a break she caught me off guard!

After a quick introduction I asked her to join us (after all, it IS destiny here, plus she's WAYY hotter). Then on the way back to the living room I was hit with a SHOCKING realization, on the way over here, that man I saw down the street WWWAAASSS Fortune! It all made sense now. He was leaving her house, which unfortunately meant my destined princess had also just been freshly fucked. DAMMIT, DAMN YOU TO HELL FORTUNE YOU SEDUCER YOU.

She was now tainted goods, plus the BBHM law was now firmly in effect, I couldn't touch this girl. Ahh well, I still have the less hot roommate, whatev's.

As we're all sitting on the couch I'm using every drop of restraint in my body to reject Tina's so blatant advances and exclusively stick to the 7.5, which of course only made Tina want me more, girls are so weird.

I don't remember exactly WHEN it was, but somewhere along our conversation Brigid let out the fact that Tina was from Montreal. Hold the phone...

Me: Hey Tina, are you by any chance French?

Tina: Yeah, why...

(Bingo...You see I have no problem with the French, they make good toast and fries, for Fortune however, this was a deal-breaker. He just doesn't like French girls, bad experience on an exchange. No WAY he would fuck one.)

Me: (Thinking of the best way to casually ask this question) By any chance, did you meet a guy named Fortune tonight?

Tina: OMG yes! I was wondering if you knew him! He was actually here just a while ago but for some reason just up and left, he said he was tired or something.

Me: (YAHOOOOOOOOO! GOD LOVES ME) Hmm, interesting.

Needless to say shortly after this revelation, I jumped ship and traded up with the roommate. Within 5 minutes I'm munching cheek with my destined one, I mean I'm going to town, walking a thin line between making out and a sex crime.

Brigid however, was not about to so easily give up, and this was the beginning of the whore war.

Sadly I have to go to a tutorial, so part 2 will continue another day.