He did learn what bizarre and vile things can happen to a man in the depths of Everclear’s strange world

If you have ever tried Everclear, I’m sure you can understand how easy it is to find yourself waking up in strange places and strange situations. Unfortunately, my friend Stan had never experienced this 190 proof, throat-searing bastard of a drink. However, this wasn’t going to stop poor old, drunken, lightweight Stan.

It was June and finals had just finished, so I naturally was having a post-exam kegger. The party was going great but had been pretty much uneventful, until my friends Karen, Cathy, Stan, Kelly, Charlie, and I started playing a drinking game. After about an hour of Chandeliers, everyone was fairly toasted. Then, in some sort of inebriated moment of pure ingenuity, Charlie suggested an Everclear round. I thought it was a horrendous idea because of some bad experiences I’ve had with Everclear. But before I could say anything, the heavily inebriated Everclear-virgin, Stan, had already grabbed the bottle and started pouring. Two rounds of that was enough for us all and we went back to beer. Shortly after our Everclear rounds, Stan got up and said he was going to get some vodka from his car as he stumbled off. We all kept playing, but a few rounds later some girl came in and told me that there was someone passed out on the porch. A few of us ran to the front door to look, and predictably, it was Stan. I went outside and tried shaking him and yelling, but he was out. Then Charlie, the pre-med of the group, picked up the bottle of vodka in Stan’s hand and said something like, “It’s my medical opinion that this man needs a shot. Roll him over and open his mouth!”

“That is about the worst suggestion in the world,” I replied. “I don’t think more liquor is really going to help the situation right now. We are screwed if somebody sees him all crashed out and the cops come by. Help me pick him up and get him off the porch.” It seemed simple enough, but with quite a few beers and some Everclear in us this task turned out to be much harder than expected. After fifteen seconds we gave up. Stan still wasn’t waking up.

“I’m too bent for this,” Kelly said. “We need another plan.” Charlie jumped off the porch and started walking to the side of the house.

“Charlie! Where are you going?” I yelled. “We still have a drunk guy on the porch!”

“I got a better plan. I’ll be back in two seconds,” he said.

“Whatever dude. Just make sure this isn’t based on another one of your ‘medical opinions’!” I turned around and tried picking up Stan again but quickly fell down. I just laid there giggling like an idiot until I suddenly found myself being sprayed with water. I leapt up and saw Charlie, who had come back with the neighbor’s garden hose. Kelly and Charlie were cracking up, Stan and I were sopping wet, and there was still a drunk dude passed out on the porch.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Plan B, man! It’s awesome!” exclaimed Charlie as he continued to spray. “It’s easier than carrying him, and if it doesn’t wake him up it’s still fun.” Stan still wouldn’t wake up.

Then, in my drunken stupor, I had a revelation. I remembered what any good friend would do in this situation: mess with the passed out guy as much as possible. I grabbed the hose from Charlie and stuck it down Stan’s pants. Still nothing.

“Hold on, I’ve got a better idea,” Kelly said. He went back inside and reappeared a couple minutes later with a box of Lucky Charms, two cartons of leftover Chinese, and a carton of eggs. Charlie and I took the Chinese food and we proceeded to pour the cereal and noodles all over Stan. We were starting to draw a crowd when we got to the eggs.

After pelting Stan with about four of them, he finally lifted his head up a little and started screaming the incoherent babble of a man deep in the clutches of Everclear-induced lunacy. Stan jumped up and started chasing us faster than I have ever seen a drunken man move, but quickly tripped over the hose that was still stuck in his pants. We finished throwing the rest of the eggs as the obtunded Stan struggled on the ground with the hose. He got up and started chasing us again, but slowed down and tumbled over in our neighbor’s lawn after about 20 yards. He had passed out again, but since he was in the neighbor’s yard we figured he was their problem now. Everyone went back inside and resumed getting even more sloshed for the rest of the night.

At about 11 o’clock the next morning, Stan came stumbling back into the house. He was pretty pissed and thoroughly confused as to how he ended up covered in eggs, noodles, and cereal in the neighbor’s lawn. Apparently he blacked out and the last thing he remembered was playing Chandeliers. We told him he went out to his car to get some vodka and assumed he wandered off to another party when he didn’t come back.

To this day Stan still doesn’t know the truth about that night, but he did learn what bizarre and vile things can happen to a man in the depths of Everclear’s strange world.