There was no way in hell I was going to let this little bastard get away with minding his own business.

I am the author of a "Threesome and His Sister" and "My Worst Night Ever."

Back when I was in college, I was a pizza guy for Gumbys Pizza. Ask anyone who was a pizza guy in college before gas was over $2.50 a gallon and they will tell you that not only was it easy, but it was also lucrative.

But, as with any professional, money was not my sole motivator.

The job because it required me to drive around and sit on my ass. I would often stop by my frat house, have a beer, chat with friends, deliver a pizza to some pot head, stop back by the frat house, then go pick up another pizza for some asshole in the dorms.

Plus I discovered one of my passions; flipping people off for no reason.

If you were on the campus of Illinois State University sometime in the past 6 years, and a big dude in a silver S-10 gave you the bird, that was me. I made you my bitch.

Sometimes, on rainy days, I would combo this move with the classic "Drive the car close to the curb, through a mud puddle splashing some jerk on the sidewalk". But I digress.

I remember one time in particular, I was delivering a pizza a little off campus when I passed a small, blue grey house on Linden street. In the front lawn there was a middle aged woman planting flowers, back turned towards the street, hunched over in her flower bed. Beside her was her pride and joy. A small boy, maybe of only 6 years, gleefully playing in the midday sun, chasing some sort of bug...or running around like a dickhead. I'm not sure.

Whatever it was, there was no way in hell I was going to let this little bastard get away with minding his own business. I don't put up with that kind of bullshit. sure.

So, as his mother was planting perennial, I slowed down, made eye contact with this child, and BAM! Gave him the old middle finger. The look on his face was priceless. Deer in head lights. He knows he got owned.

Of course, like a punk bitch, the little kid ran towards his mother to tell on me. I had no beef with her, so I accelerated normally, and went on to deliver my pizza. I looked back to him recounting the tale pointing at my truck now stopped at the light a half block from his house. The mother looked in my direction, then visibly scolded her child. No one likes a snitch.

Now happy, I continued my drive, delivered my pizza and headed home.

On the way back, I took the same street, and what did I see? That same kid, minding his own business. Oh hell no. That motherfucker just didn't learn the first time.

As I approached his position, I saw he remember my truck. He looked at me as if he was thinking "Oh shit, here comes the crazy bad ass to fuck my day up again!"

I slowed, we made eye contact. Time froze. It was him or me, and it wasn't going to be me. Before he could do anything, I pointed sternly in his direction while mouthing the word "you", and very directly and powerfully, I flipped him off.

BAM! He just got his ass handed to him again. He looked like a deer in headlights that was being sodomized this time. He ran towards his mother. I didn't even bother looking back, because she would probably start touching herself at my awesomeness, and I had other pizzas to deliver.