She was drunk and horny which has always been my type.

The following is the accounts are the real life happenings of the life of my life on the weekend of December 9th and 10th this piece must remain within my private collection for if it were released on Facebook I would probably get sued or murdered...but with the amount of weed I smoke I’m going to forget about it if I don’t keep a record of it

The time is 10:30AM Friday morning and my vehicle known as the dirt wagon has broken down on the left hand side of a busy road. Smoke puffed from each side of my hood and the engine went dead. I called the only person I knew who knew anything about cars, Cabby.

“Fuck yourself I’m sleepin,” and the call ended in 43 seconds. Cabby was not going to help.

Over the next two hours waiting for a tow in the cold I had to change all of my plans for the weekend because I now, had no way of returning to the land of Utica. Later I found out that the starter in my car had caught fire and burned some shit up but it would be ready by Monday. This means I would be stranded in my off-campus house until then, I figured I could handle a slow weekend of drinking at home alone.

Mid afternoon my roommate Kip and I went to return all the cans we have accumulated during the semester. It came to almost fifty bills; not much but enough to help restock the liquor cabinet. He wanted to stock up because he and his girl Jody had plans to go to the Snow-Ball (Lemoyne’s version of prom). I would rather tare off my cock and throw it in the river before I went to something like that but his girlfriend and all her hot friends were into dressing up and getting fucked up for it so we opted to have a party.

Kip had a very hot friend Lynn whom allegedly wanted to hook up with me. Since she had just broken up with her boyfriend a few days ago she made plans to come visit and stay over at the house.

Before I continue I know all of my Utica friends are saying bullshit if she wants to hookup with me then she can’t be hot. So now I want you to look at my wall on face book. Her name is Lynn and she wrote on my wall at 11:19am on December 8th, 2006, go ahead look.

Now what, you fuckers?

A few hours later the house was ready to go. Shit was reasonably clean we had two cases of beer and five bottles of liquor. The girls were up at the dorms getting dressed up and shit. Myself, Kip and my other roommate Brett were playing beer checkers. Brian’s girlfriend Deb shows up with more booze and her roommate Collie.

Collie is a post-graduation seven out of ten whom I made out with one night a couple of months ago. Her plans were to get drunk with all of us and sleep at our house. Between Lynn and Collie both staying at my house my odds of hooking up were good.

The girls and a few other people showed up around 10:30PM. Four twenty years olds in prom dresses piss drunk and looking to get down, easy fucking targets I thought. The girls kept as the night went on. Doing some nonsense called haircuts. This is where they tilt there heads back and pour the booze right down each others throats. Jody and Lynn had been doing this shit all night and between the two of them had killed an entire bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo.

Collie was walking around the party acting like the typical post graduation cunt. She told Kip, Jody was probably going to cheat on him sooner or later then later told Jody that Kip tried to hook up with her before she had gotten there. The fight that would ensue because of this between Kip and Jody began to brew.

The shit began to hit the fan when I walked over to Lynn, she tried to jump on me and wrap her legs around me but she just fell on her ass instead. I helped her up and assisted her in standing.

"You’re so hot. You and I should hang out more.” This and a bunch of other "fuck me please lines" is what she kept saying to me. I sat her down on a chair at my kitchen table and sat next to her and she continued to talk about how much she liked me. I reconsidered whether or not I should bang her while she is this fucked up. Then I remembered I gave up having a conscience two years ago after this girl I was seeing banged my best friend on my bed--and I was relieved.

Sitting at the table pondering what position I’m was going to put this girl in I felt my lap get wet and warm. I looked down not even thinking that this shysty bitch had puked on my fucking lap. I sat her up and looked at her, her eyes were rolled to the back of her head and then she threw up on my fucking sweater. People began to take notice and rushed me a trash can, although unconscious would only puke on me and did three or four more times.

She stayed behind while everybody else went to the ball. So we all stayed behind too. Brett and Deb watched a movie while I fed Lynn water and helped her puke for about two more hours. I work in the ER and have to deal with drunks all the time so this was strangely familiar.

Collie watched me do this and looked at me like I was performing life saving surgery on this girl. She left shortly after. Before she left she kissed me and told me she had no idea I was such a sweet guy and that I had to come to her party tomorrow. I said sure and wondered if she would still think all that if she knew I was just trying to get her sober enough for sex.

Kip came back from the dance and helped change Lunn’s clothes and put her to sleep in my bed. She was still unconscious so I figured I would just cut my losses and finish getting drunk.

When she was finally settled Jody came home. She and Kip had the fight that Collie started earlier in the night and temporarily broke up. I put her to sleep next to Lynn in my bed drank the rest of the beer and passed out on the love seat in my living room.

The next morning I woke up and looked in my room. Jody had reconciled with Kip and left a vacant spot in my bed. Lynn was awake and I thought I had a chance to start the day off right. I got under the covers and felt the sheets were wet. The unmistakable stench of urine hit my nose and I looked Lynn dead in the eyes. She bit her lip and told me I might have to change the sheets on my bed now.

This fucking cunt had pissed my god-damn bed. I did the only thing I could do. Put her in the shower gave her more of my clothes and changed the sheets so I could get some sleep and maybe a little action this retarded slut-whore sure as hell owed me that.

We got in bed together and all she wanted to do was cuddle, this went on for about two hours while we talked and I learned that this girl is perhaps the stupidest fucking person I have ever met in my life. I was amazed this girl knew how to dress herself in the morning. She told me she didn’t remember anything that happened the night before and I didn’t have the patience to explain it to her. We fooled around a little but all that accomplished was a serious case of blue-balls.

“Do you need a ride up to your car,” I asked her.
“No I’m going to take Jody’s car over to mine.”
“Then how is Jody's car going to get back here?”
“Oh...”
I mean this girl was fucking dumb. Saturday when it was time to go to Collie’s party I bought a bunch of bottles of wine with Jody and Kip as, I told them of Collie's acts of bitchery that lead to there temporary separation. They demanded revenge.

I was willing to help because I hated Collie. The plan was for me to act all sweet to her tell her he’s pretty and special etc… Phase two was to get her in her room and out of her dress then just get up and leave in the middle of it and pretend nothing happened.

This does sound cruel but Collie had to be stopped, she was one of these girls who got fucked over by some guy and now was bitter with the whole world. One of those real cunts who think they’re incredibly mature and are too good to just sit and drink a fucking beer.

I got to the party and it was weird. It consisted of orderves and a bunch of wine bottles and a circle of women talking about who they think the first one to get married is going to be. There boyfriends hung out in the back looking like a bunch of six years olds that got dragged to the mall by their Mom’s. More than anything I saw this as a cry for help. These people were suffering from responsibility. They sat they having quite conversation about politics but I heard what they were really saying. “For the love of god, please, somebody feed me alcohol until I throw knives at the walls and kick the bumper of every car I see just to here the alarm sound, and then I wanna fuck till I’m sore tomorrow.”

I proceeded to feed them all booze and then more booze. Then when they said no I forced it on them. In reality everyone wants to get out of control you just have to give them an excuse.

We moved the party over to my house where we all started taking shots and acting the way people in there twenty’s are supposed to act.


I went into Kip’s room to check my email and was fallowed by some girl I didn’t really know. She stood next to me with a coy smile and fuck me eyes and asked me why I was checking my email at a party. I pulled her on my lap and started making out with her without giving her an answer.

After a few minutes we left the room and returned to the party. I asked Brett, what her name was and if she was with anyone. Her name was Lily and she was in fact single. This girl was 8.5 out of ten and was dieing to find out what my cock tasted like. I immediately stopped messing around with collie and kept fooling around with Lily. I figured fucking one of her friends would piss her off all the same. It in fact did and she began to cry when Lily and I made out on the couch.

Lily was all over me for the rest of the night. She was drunk and horny which has always been my type. I sat down on the couch and she straddled me, looking like she needed my balls like diabetic needs insulin. She asked me where I was staying tonight and if she could come, sure I said. On the couch in plain sight of everyone else she began to grind on me and put a hand down my pants and on my cock. I’m not one for public sex but she was a guest in my house so courtesy demanded I let her do what ever.

Then something in her eyes began to change as she was grinding. The motion of her grinding and the combination of beer, wine and various shots in her stomach weakened it. Just then she became the second girl named Lisa to puke on me that weekend. Unlike Lynn, she didn’t pass out she just cried for a minute until I carried her to Collie’s car which took her home.

Collie looked at me and said we should get together another night. I was so fucking shocked at the irony of what had just happened I just said sure and wondered where I could find a box and the right postage so I could mail Collie her dead cat.

I sat down at the kitchen table and finished off the bottle of whiskey wondering why god had had deemed it necessary to smite my libido with vomit. I had learned that weekend there is no better way to kill the mood than yaking on the person your trying to hook up with. It wasn’t really my fault just a victim of circumstances but I was pissed off none the less.

After many more drinks a looked up at the ceiling, “this is funny to you isn’t it you sick bastard. Why can’t you just leave me alone and go back to fucking with Panella.” I said looking up at my ceiling.