I was the prime suspect because I was so crazy and wild.

Last year in 06/07 was my first year at college. I wasn’t too wild until the end of High School, but once I got to college my limits became non-existent.

My school in particular was very alcohol-friendly and I quickly fell into a schedule of partying 6 nights a week or more. Before the first month of school was over, I had already been to the ER for drinking too much. That was two grand I’d never see again. At least it bought me a minor celebrity status among the freshmen.

Anyway, one night in particular stands out to this day. I was drinking among other things with some friends of mine and I came up with this great idea. See, during that day there were a bunch of Christian dudes all over campus handing out these little pocket new testament bibles.

Normally I just don’t talk to them, but for whatever reason this time I had picked up like six. So as we are enjoying many of the substances this world has to offer, I think what could possibly top off the night like burning one of these bibles and throwing it in the honors hall of the residence hall I lived at. Better yet, in front of the room containing a devout Mormon and Christian.

So me and a buddy named Jay began to put the plan into motion.

First we whipped out our lighters and toasted one of the bibles until about half of it was just charred ash. But for some reason it just still didn’t feel complete. So we run inside, find a red sharpie and make the thing look all mutilated and bloody. We also drew some swastikas and “666’s” and whatnot. Still, it wasn’t enough. At about this time all the alcoholic beverages we had been consuming were ready to leave our bodies. So the bible was now soiled. Finally, it felt complete.

So we ran back to the residence hall and took the elevator up to the honors hall. I ran out of the elevator and went to the door of the religious duo. I looked behind me and Jay was no where to be seen. Turns out he was scared shitless and was “holding the elevator for me.” Anyway, it was about 3AM at this point and I pounded on the door, dropped the bible, and ran.

That was it.

The next morning I wake up as usual, but something seems different. Everyone is looking at me as if I was a murderer or something. Apparently someone had committed a hate crime, and I was the prime suspect because I was so crazy and wild. Whatever, I just shrugged it off. As time passes it turns out a hate crime is grounds for expulsion. I was interrogated by this bitch named Robin who was in charge of my residence hall. I was kicked out of the hall, and assigned 50 hours of community service to be completed in a 30 day period of time. Not happening.

So I fought the shit out of the deal and got plenty of time extensions. I still never finished the service, though. Turns out Robin retired and my case got shoved under the rug, so the next year I just registered for classes and to this day I’m still a student. I also still think that the prank was hilarious as fuck.