Listen up all you Greek ladies!

A couple of my friends and I write articles for our campus Booze News. We read the submission about how to be a cool and tough fraternity man and decided we had to reply with a cute and popular sorority girl article:

The University of Illinois is home to the largest Greek system of any college in the United States. That is a feat in which we pride ourselves. And as an active member of the Greek community, I feel obligated to render a list of rules and regulations that every good sorority girl must follow. After all, we have a long legacy to uphold.

Fraternity men must create an appearance of “coolness” and “toughness,” but as a woman, cool and tough will only get us labeled as dykes. We must strive to appear cute and popular, and that can be attained through the following steps:

1. Dress cute and popular – Clothing is key. While attending class, only two outfits are permitted. The first outfit is sorority staple: Letters. Have pride in your letters and show that pride by embossing everything you own in those letters. The letters must be strategically placed in conspicuous locations so that no one forgets that you are cuter and more popular than they are.
The second outfit must scream “I wake up looking this good.” You must appear as though you did not dress up for class. Cute and popular girls never dress up for class. That would mean that you care. And you definitely do not care. Expensive designer pajamas are a must. When going out, you must dress so that guys will be at your beck and call all night. They must come to you, you must never come to them. They will come to you if you look sexy. But other girls will sneer at you for being a ho if you do not look classy at the same time. Therefore the perfect combination is sexy but classy. This involves low cut shirts, short skirts, stiletto shoes, and some sort of hat turned slightly sideways. This is the only outfit you are allowed to wear. Rotate between different cuts and colors. There is no shame in borrowing clothes – anything to wear a different outfit every night. Never repeat shirts.

2. The cute and popular dating life – Never date one guy for more than two months. Exceptions can be made for presidents of top fraternities and varsity athletes. In any other case, boyfriends must appear interchangeable. Even if you are in a relationship, always flirt with other guys. When the poor fool thinks he can get you to go home with him, slip in something about going to your boyfriend’s lake house next weekend. Even when single, never get with a guy unless he proves he really wants you. This means he must buy you expensive drinks, leave his friends to walk you home, and if necessary, hold your hair while you get sick. If he talks to a single girl during this time, you must pout and abandon ship until he chases after you. And he will. No one is as cute and popular as you. You must insist to spend the night at his fraternity house. There is no stumbling home at 4 AM. In the morning, wear a shirt with his fraternity letters home. Everyone must know that you slept with a (insert name of top fraternity), because that is what cute and popular girls do.

3. The cute and popular fitness routine – You must never admit that you are dieting. Even if you never eat in the privacy of your own sorority house, cute and popular girls must not be self-conscious in public. Exercise, on the other hand, is to be publicized. Everyone must know that you are in extremely good shape. Away messages must read “working out” at least once a day, whether you really are or not. Always work out in a public location, so that everyone can see how athletic you are. Whether you are running outside or at the gym, choose a location where you will be seen. Never push yourself too hard. Cute and popular girls do not sweat. You must look good, even while you are working out. That is why you are cute and popular.

4. Mixed drinks, the cute and popular beverage of choice – Drinking is something every cute and popular girl must do in excess. When asked, however, it is crucial to brush it off. If ever accused of drinking too much, simply deny it and point to the movie night you had last week. Cute and popular girls never drink beer. Beer is for the ugly girls who have to buy their own drinks. Cute and popular girls don’t pay for drinks, therefore only drink the most expensive mixed concoctions. Long Island Iced Teas and Amaretto Sours are favorites but mix up the drinks every once in a while. Appear knowledgeable about a variety of drinks: every once in a while order a Cosmopolitan or Martini. There are two exceptions to the no beer rule. Beer is allowed during drinking games, such as flippy-cup and circle of death. Beer is also allowed when doing impressive stunts such as beer bongs and kegstands. But only quality beer. You are too cute and popular to drink Busch Light.

5. Cute and popular in class – Cute and popular girls must never do anything alone. Sign up for class with friends so that you will always have people to walk you to class. Cute and popular girls must play dumb, even though you may well be smarter than most of your classmates. You must only show up to half of your classes on any given day, and when you do, appear to be very confused. It is a given that some unknowing geek will offer his tutoring services to you. Soon, the tutoring service will turn into him doing your homework for you. You will return the favor by allowing him to be seen with you in public. But only during daytime hours. At night, you once again do not know him.

6. Cute and popular activities – Besides partying, cute and popular girls must do cute and popular things. Volunteer work is something that every cute and popular girl must take very seriously. At least once a month, she must read to the elderly at the local nursing home or bake cookies for underprivileged children. She must not partake in any physically demanding activity that might make her appear dirty, therefore she avoid picking up trash along major roadways or helping to build homes for the poor. In addition to philanthropic work, cute and popular girls spend a great deal of time shopping. Only shop at locations that carry designer brands. Nordstrom, Saks, and Neiman Marcus are the stores of choice. When shopping, never look at the price tag. Mommy and daddy can take care of that. Finally, cute and popular girls have girl-only nights. This usually consists of eating low-carb snack food and watching TV. Cute and popular girls are loyal fans of teenage drama shows such as the O.C. and One Tree Hill. In addition, reality TV is a must. The Real World, The Bachelor, and Blind Date are shows of choice. Finally, the altar at which every cute and popular sorority girl must worship is Sex and the City. Not only must you watch the reruns religiously, but you must own the entire boxed DVD set. Cute and popular girls are always quoting Carrie Bradshaw, whether in their journals or AIM profiles.

And with that, good luck on your quest to being the perfectly cute and popular sorority girl. Follow these rules, and you might be able to be cute and popular as well, for a price tag as small as your soul.