Only two bands for the cool and tough: Widespread Panic, Phish

Here at Ole Miss we have a longstanding tradition of a strong Greek system. Many men will come to the university wondering, "How can I ever fill the shoes of many of the great men who have come before me?" Well, I've come up with a list of guidelines that, if properly followed will ensure your success and happiness here at the University of Mississippi. Also, I would like to point out that I AM GREEK. I'm a member of a "Big Five" fraternity, so save any comments containing the phrase "at the Union."

1. Dress Cool and Tough--To become cool and tough you must present an image of coolness and toughness. Cool and tough people spend incredible amounts of money to look like they bought their clothes at a yard sale. Whatever you buy, it has to cost a lot of money. If it doesn't, then it's not cool. Or tough. Cool and tough people only wear four kinds of footwear: Wallabes, New Balance tennis shoes (no socks), expensive hiking boots (Vasque, etc.), and flip-flops. If you wear any other kind of shoes, you are neither cool nor tough. The only hats cool and tough people wear are golf visors. No other headgear is acceptable. Also, all clothing must be wrinkled, un-tucked (or half-tucked), and have a general sloppiness about them.

2. The Cool and Tough Dating Life--Have lots of sex with lots of chicks. Cool and tough people are always out scoring. The best thing to do is get really drunk (see rule 3) and go out and find some god-awful chick you would normally never even talk to, then try and find a way to get into her panties. Don't worry if your friends will make fun of you for having sex with this girl. This is not an issue. Always remember, quantity not quality. The more sex you have, the better. This will make you cool and tough. It is cool and tough to have a girlfriend. Some people will argue this, but it's true. However, the cool and tough girlfriend does not fit the standard definition of a girlfriend. Cool and tough people never love their girlfriends. In fact, you don't even have to like her. It is only important that she's in a good sorority. This way, you'll get invited to her sorority functions and be able to try and have sex with all of her friends. Also, you'll get T-shirts from these parties and the more sorority party T-shirts you have, the cooler and tougher you will be. Do not be discouraged if your girlfriend has already banged pretty much everyone you know. This will only make her better.

3. Drink Like You're Cool and Tough--This is by far the most important thing to remember if you ever want to be cool and tough. The more you drink and the more you talk about how much you and your friends drink, the cooler and tougher you will become. Also, don't be afraid to do some really dumb shit when you're drunk. Doing dumb shit makes for good stories and good stories make you cool and tough. Especially good stories about what you did while you were drunk. Never puke. Cool and tough people never throw up. If you feel like you're going to throw up, just do some blow or something. Also, the cool and tough man should never pass out. However, since passing out sometimes cannot be controlled, if you must pass out, do so in a place where everyone can see you and think about how cool and tough you are. Every once in awhile, piss on yourself when you're passed out, to show them that you just don't care because you are cool and tough.

4. The Cool and Tough Automobile--Cool and tough people only drive sport utility vehicles. This is not negotiable. The perfect cool and tough vehicle might be a brand new Chevy Yukon with personalized plates, your fraternity letters plastered all over the rear of the car, and a Ducks Unlimited sticker on one of the windows. Another example of a cool and tough automobile might be a Toyota Four Runner in which case a Widespread Panic or Phish sticker may be more appropriate than the Ducks Unlimited sticker. Also, cool and tough people have sunglasses hanging from their rear mirror as well as some (but not too much) mud on the bottom of the vehicle.

5. Cool and Tough Music--Cool and tough people only listen to two bands: Widespread Panic and/or Phish. It is cool and tough to talk about how much you like the Grateful Dead, but you don't have to actually listen to them. It is extremely important to have as many of the most obscure Widespread Panic and/or Phish bootlegs as you can possibly find. As you play the bootlegs, narrate to your listeners how many narcotics/psychedelics you were able to force into your body throughout the course of the particular concert you are listening to. Also, you are never to refer to the concerts as "concerts." The cool and tough terminology is "Show," i.e., "That was a bad-ass Panic Show, man. Gee, I'm really cool. And tough."

6. Doing Drugs Like You're Cool and Tough--Cool and tough people take lots of drugs. It is important that you can handle your drugs. It is important that you can handle your drugs if you want to become cool and tough. Cool and tough drugs include (but are not limited to): Ecstasy, LSD, Blow, any and all pills, nitrous oxide (or any common substitute), and the most important cool and tough drug, marijuana (see rule 7). Cool and tough people are always doing some or all of these drugs at Shows, parties, football games, or just when hanging around the fraternity house on a Tuesday afternoon. No matter what people tell you, drugs will most certainly make you cool and tough.

7. The Cool and Tough Way to Smoke Pot--We've already established that it is definitely cool and tough to smoke marijuana. However, there is a method of doing this that will make you all the more cool and tough. Cool and tough people always say they smoke really good pot, whether it's all that good or not. This "good pot" is most commonly referred to as Nugs, Dank, KB, Dodja, or Nadge. Also, cool and tough people spend a great deal of money on different forms of paraphernalia such as glass pipes, one-hitters, and bongs. Refer to these materials lovingly as your "piece." Only smoke pot with other cool and tough people. Have arguments and debates over who smokes the most pot. Also, always offer it to girls, no matter how straight they look. They may want to smoke, you never know. Secretly, they want to be cool and tough, too. They just don't like to admit it, sometimes.

8. Cool and Tough on Campus--The cool and tough man never walks alone. In fact, he should strive to surround himself with other specimens of coolness and toughness. The cool and tough man should do everything in his power to observe and mimic actions, speech patterns, and the general demeanor of everyone around them. The cool and tough man would never try to be a special or unique butterfly. He knows the ancient secrets of coolness and toughness like unoriginality and social paranoia. The cool and tough man should always have a slight grin, conveying an image of total control and enlightenment. And he should be ready at any moment to belittle anyone he doesn't think is cool or tough.

9. Cool and Tough Out on the Town--The first thing to remember here is the party for a cool and tough person begins way before the party for everyone else. Start drinking and ingesting narcotics sometime around one in the afternoon and keep a steady pace until it's time to go to the bar. Once you have reached the bar, make sure everyone there knows just how fucked up you are. This way, they'll know that you are in fact cool and tough. Some people will tell you to "be a gentleman" and buy drinks for all girls you talk to. This is wrong. The cool and tough person only buys drinks for girls he knows he can probably sleep with later. Generally ignore all other girls. They are of no use to the cool and tough man. After the bar closes, the cool and tough person must always drive home. A cool and tough person would NEVER allow someone else to take them home from the bar, because doing so would mean admitting that you were too fucked up to drive yourself home. And that isn't very cool or tough.

10. Cool and Tough on Game day--While it's cool and tough to have a date for game day, it is extremely important that by the end of the weekend, you have either: a) left her or b) driven her to hate you and your cool and tough antics. This way, you can have sex with some other chick at the party to remind her (and yourself) how cool and tough you are. If for some reason you manage not to lose and/or alienate your date and you wake up next to her on Sunday morning, you make it very clear that no matter what sexual acts you performed the night before, it DOES NOT constitute dating. It will be difficult for her to grasp this. On game days, cool and tough people should already be drunk by the time everyone else wakes up. In fact, the coolest and toughest thing you can do is stay up all night drinking and toot a bunch of blow before you go out tailgating. If you should decide to actually go into the football game rather than just sitting around and drinking, it is very important that you think of super-creative ways to smuggle whiskey into the stadium. That way, later you can tell everyone how you did it and they'll think you're cool. And tough.

11. It is important to note here that not everyone is cut out to be cool and tough. Although, many of these skills can be learned, truly being cool and tough requires a certain degree of natural talent that not everyone is born with. One of the best ways to become cool and tough is to hone your skills by surrounding yourself with other cool and tough people. Be these people. It is certainly neither cool nor tough to be an individual. Constantly strive for the same level of mediocrity of all those around you. However, it is important to remember that though these people may also be cool and tough, they will never be as cool and tough as you are. Some of the people in your fraternity may be cool and tough, but many of them aren't. So don't hang out with them. It is also important to remember that being cool does not necessarily make one tough, nor does being tough automatically make one cool. You should strive to find the proper balance between the two and become simply known as a Cool and Tough person.

Author's Note: Please, before you start bitching, this is a joke. Or is it?

(Originally written by Alex C. Blagg, "One Angry Dwarf")

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