Sharing the love is cool--taping to make fun of her isn't

[Editor's Note: this is a story about a sick, cruel individual who will probably die lonely. This shouldn't be done to anyone, least of all a physically challenged young woman]

Generally, on Tuesday nights, most people, even college students, tend to take it easy. However, at Aquinas College, a small private school in Grand Rapids, MI, we don’t abide by society’s norms. It was a cold Tuesday night in late November when my roommates and I decided that we were going to throw a Hawaiian Luau because, well, we wanted to throw a Hawaiian Luau. So we got all the decorations: inflatable palm trees and monkeys, leis, limbo bar and enough liquor to get our entire campus plastered. We did the jungle juice thing, 13 gallons of liquor in the 50 gallon tub!

First, I’ll introduce my roommates. Tommy, 21, is a big, stoned Italian from Ohio who enjoys skipping class and getting wasted. He is a senior, and he tends to get ridiculous during the festivities. But not quite as ridiculous as Kerry, my other roommate. Kerry, 23, is a fifth year senior and notorious for putting looks aside and screw most anything that walks. Tonight, however, would be a new landmark for Kerry’s sick reputation.

Things kicked off about 9:30. The jungle juice was flowing, people were dancing, having a great time. At about 11, the party EXPLODED. I must have sold 70 cups in a half-hour. Girls everywhere, dancing on tables, stripping, just being ridiculous in general. There were so many people in my house, the walls were moving. I had friends of mine come over and leave without saying hi to me, because you had a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack than finding an individual in this crowd. Shit continued to jump, and I ran out of keg cups at quarter to 12. After I ran out, I went upstairs to see what Tommy and Kerry were up to.

Obviously, for a party like this, we needed to capture it on film. We used Kerry’s big ass 1985 camera at all of our parties, and it was nowhere to be seen. I mean, there was NO way to miss the thing, even in a crowd like ours. So I proceeded to go all the way upstairs to see if anyone was in Kerry or Tommy’s room.

I found a large group of people getting stoned in Kerry’s room, and Tommy had the camera. Kerry was sitting next to a girl in a wheelchair, and she kept whispering in his ear, and every time she said something, he’d smile and laugh. I still have no idea how they got that wheelchair upstairs, but it was clear that Kerry was up to something. I just shook my head and began to walk downstairs, but I noticed something before I went back down. Kerry was diddling the wheelchair girl’s beam, and Tommy was taping it! I just rolled my eyes and walked away, sickened, but not really surprised.

The party began to thin out around 4:30 when the jungle juice ran out. A group of my friends and I were sitting downstairs listening to music and staggering around futilely in a last ditch attempt to pick up drunk college girls. Ineffective as that was, it wasn’t my worst idea of the night. Since I was getting shot down in my drunken stupor, I decided to go see if Kerry or Tommy were still awake, and see what the hell Kerry was thinking earlier. So I stumble loudly up the stairs into Kerry’s room, barging in without knocking.

Oops.

The first thing I noticed was the wheelchair knocked sideways on the floor. Then I noticed the camera running, hidden under a pile of clothes. And lastly, I noticed my roommate humping a handicapped girl and making weird faces for the camera. His face switched from “Blue Steel” to “La Tigra” when he saw me. I tried desperately to get out of the room as fast as I could, but I might have had a little too much to drink, because I fell over and took the camera down with me. I had to crawl out. At first I had to hold back the puke, because it was not something one should ever see, or ever do. But after a few minutes, I just began laughing hysterically because I’m a huge asshole, just like my roommates. After my fit of laughing, I popped in a couple vicadins and went to bed.

The next afternoon, I woke up to partially clothed bodies scattered around my house, stale fruit everywhere, and more empty beer cans than I have ever seen in my life. My roommates were awake and talking at the kitchen table, so I went over there to see how the night ended up for them.

Apparently, Wheelchair Girl went whacko after I left the room, because she saw the camera. She climbed up in her wheelchair and tried to wheel herself down the stairs, screaming at Kerry to stay away from her. Of course, she didn’t make it all the way down and bit the dust trying, but eventually she got back in her chair and went back to campus as fast as her little wheels could carry her. So she’s upset, but that’s nothing new for girls who come over to our house. So no big deal, right? Wrong.

My friend Jay called about a half hour earlier to tell us that he had to drive her to Pine Rest, a clink, because she was screaming in the dorm hallways uncontrollably about killing Kerry. Yikes. So, of course, the tape was destroyed immediately. I created a recap of the night’s events at our small, private college of about 2,000 students.

Number of empties: 463
Estimated crowd: 175
Gallons of liquor consumed: 13
Holes in walls: 5
Fights: 3
Naked girls in my basement: 1
Attractive naked girls in my basement: 0
Arrests: 0
Handicapped girls fornicating on film: 1


Even though this story is pretty sick and downright cruel, I thought it was moderately entertaining and hopefully people learn from the mistakes shown here and start treating girls like human beings. Women are beautiful and should be worshipped, not videotaped humping.