To this day very few people know that I broke up Chrissie & Shithead

Sometimes my evil, sneaky, manipulative side comes out, and this time I used it to get a friend out of a very bad situation.

My first girlfriend Tara dated this real scumbag before she was with me. Milt was affectionately known at ZooMass as Shithead. This guy was trailer trash, a cokehead, pathological liar, sociopath; and those were his good qualities. Shithead’s own mother warned Tara’s mother, ”Don’t let your daughter date my son because my son is a jerk.”

For some reason, Tara decided to introduce Shithead to Chrissie, an artistically brilliant but arrogant undergrad who was in the Kelvin Club. (Clam Club=GPA below C level, Square Root Club=square root of GPA>GPA, Kelvin Club=absolute zero). The only time I ever screamed my lungs out at Tara was after she introduced these two. Before meeting Shithead, Chrissie was rabidly anti-drug, proudly virginal, stubborn as hell, Weird Like Us, etc. After Shithead--she believed any bullshit he told her as The Truth, and this guy would have Baron Munchausen and every other famous liar blushing down to his very toenails. Examples: buying a mountain to live on, faking heart attacks saying that if the scar tissue that formed after each attack healed he would be ok but never calling a doctor, making up nonexistent computer languages, and so on.

It was even rumored that he dosed her to induce a miscarriage that he fathered. Chrissie orbited Shithead like a moon orbits a planet, doing drugs that he said were good and avoiding ones he said were bad. This guy must’ve had like a PhD in charisma and manipulation. He got all the housemates to believe that one of them was a psychotic murderer—he had no evidence, mind you. He paid off Chrissie’s extremely overdue utility/rent bills when he moved in to get the other housemates to like him. Chrissie practically dumped all of her other friends as none of us could stand this guy and for good reasons.

One day I got the critical piece of information I needed. I tolerated Shithead only so I could stay close to Chrissie, waiting for the shit to hit the fan. Chrissie said during some conversation that the faked heart attacks and lies didn’t matter, she would only dump him if he: (1) hit her or (2) cheated on her. Can you say EPIPHANY?

There was another girl in our crowd, called Loud Charlotte aka the Loud Blonde. Charlotte was a classic abuse survivor, unfortunately she was still a major alcoholic and always went for the worst guy in any crowd. I knew all I had to do was get Chrissie, Shithead and Loud Charlotte all in the same place at the same time. I made sure to personally and individually invite them to an end-of-semester party at a friend’s off-campus house. Not one hour had passed at the party before Chrissie caught Shithead & Loud Charlotte screwing in the bushes.

She dumped him on the spot! Mission accomplished, friend saved. To this day very few people know that I broke up Chrissie & Shithead, and Chrissie never knew, the fact that I saved Chrissie and beat Shithead at his own manipulator game without him knowing it was reward enough!