I hope this story helps others who have gone through the same thing

It was pretty much like any other Friday night. I was at my College youth group. I had a really bad headache and it got to the point that it was really bad and I decided to go home. I didn’t want to disturb my friends to ask for a ride home so I decided that seeing as it was still quite early and still light outside, I would walk the relatively short distance home. I have kicked myself endlessly for not asking someone! I thought the fresh air might help clear my head a bit. That was a decision I now deeply regret.

It was a nice night so I decided I would take the longer route home, along the road. As I came out of the driveway there was a young guy standing at the bus stop. I noticed him there and I remember thinking it was weird coz he was wearing a bizarre hat but really I didn’t take a lot of notice. You often see people wearing weird stuff! As I stopped near a tree by the road to read an SMS he crossed the street and started walking up to me from behind. I started walking again a little more quickly, and he also quickened his walk. It went on like this for a short distance until he was right behind me. I had of course started to get quite worried by then and was about to start running when he grabbed my arm and put his other arm around my waist, like he was leading me along. In the hand furthest away from me he had a red knife, like a switchblade sort of thing, with the blade open. He said, “you need to do what I say sweetheart” and he sort of held his other arm in front of me with the knife blade pointed at my stomach. My immediate thought was to get away, but he pulled me towards himself so we were side-by-side but really close. He was only slightly taller than me. His breath smelt like cigarettes and it was revolting. His hat was pulled down low so I couldn’t really see his eyes but his teeth were yellow and I felt ill thinking he was going to try and kiss me. I’m not even know sure why I thought that at the time. Then he started to lead me (half pushing, half dragging me) across the road.

I remember thinking ‘Oh my God this guy is going to kill me’ and having the most overwhelming feeling of fear and panic. I was hoping that maybe I could find a moment to get away or something. I guess I didn’t really know what I was going to do.

We walked along the path and he was still holding me really tight around the waist and pulled up against him. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin. We walked for what seemed like ages and by now it was getting dark. He stopped and it felt so dark and so scary … like we were the only two people around. He pointed to the ground and said “let’s sit down” like we were having a picnic or something, really casually.

I said, “I don’t want to” and he asked me why. I was trying so hard to think of a reason and I told him the ground was all dirty I didn’t want my jeans to get dirty. He actually took off his jumper and put it on the ground for me to sit on!

I don’t know if I ever will be able to completely tell what happened after that. It makes me feel so ashamed and revolting even just thinking about it. He raped me. He did things to me and made me do things to him that I didn’t even know people did to each other. It makes me sick. I almost got away from him once, I tried to get up and run but he slashed across my back with his knife and grabbed me, and he pushed me down and kind of sat across my stomach. He was big and I couldn’t get up. His hat fell off as he grabbed at me and I saw his face for the first time. The look he gave me then I don’t think will ever leave my memory. It was the most hateful look I have ever seen. After that he was much more careful and held me most of the time, although after the way he looked at me the first time, I was too scared to try to get away again. He had proved that he wasn’t afraid to hurt me if I didn’t go along with him.

He didn’t say much else to me as the night went on, apart from mentioning some particularly disgusting things he would do to me if I ever told anyone about “our time together.” I was so scared he was going to go crazy and kill me. Then I started to hope he would just kill me and get it over with, and at least the whole thing would be over.

One thing he said to me that I will never forget was as he was lying on me just before he left me:

“You know what? You’re the ugliest bitch I’ve ever fucked.”

After what seemed like a long, long time he finally stood up, dressed, and simply walked away. He didn’t say a single word in parting.

I stayed sitting there for a minute. Everything was hurting. I felt like I was sort of outside myself … I think I was probably in a state of shock. I didn’t really know what to do. I was covered in blood and I was shaking. By now it was around 11pm and it was dark and cold. I had no idea where I was. I gathered up as much of my clothes and things that I could and tried to find my way back home. I don’t know how, but eventually I got home. I didn’t sleep for a single second that night.

I didn’t sleep much over that next week … and when I did, it was for really short intervals and I had really awful nightmares. I started not sleeping coz I was too afraid. I was having three or more showers a day and I still couldn’t feel clean. I was so spoiled, so ruined! Who was ever going to want me now? Everything was hurting. The physical things seemed to take such a long time to heal up. I still have scars and I still get pain in places sometimes when I have a flashback or remember something.

It was a few weeks after the event, on a Wednesday, that I realised I was late for my period. I had been feeling really weird, and I had felt like from that night, I almost knew I was pregnant. I don’t know how that sort of thing works but I had felt like I knew immediately that I was going to get pregnant from him. I bought a home test kit and when it was positive, I was totally beside myself. I didn’t know what to do. I was hoping I had made a mistake or something, but I went to the doctor later on that week and he confirmed it for me. I never told the doctor the circumstances behind it coz I just felt like that was too much hassle and would cause problems. Plus, I was really scared.

When I got home the afternoon after finding out I was officially five weeks pregnant, I locked myself in my room and sat on my bed just feeling numb. At this point no one knew about what had happened and this was one of the many times I felt completely alone in the world. I knew I couldn’t trust anyone with this sort of secret. Eventually, after thinking for a long time, I decided that maybe something good could come out of something so horrible and I decided to keep my baby.

Throughout all of this I was still at school and I started finding it really hard to concentrate. The smallest things that people would say or things I would see would remind me and I would get shaky and lose concentration. My teachers got cross at me because my grades went from A’s to F’s within the space of a month or so. But still no one asked what was going on! They just got cross and it made me feel even worse.

At ten weeks of my pregnancy I had the first ultrasound. I couldn’t believe that was my baby. I even found myself looking forward to seeing her (I didn’t actually know if it was a her, but I liked to think of it as a her). Later on in the same week I noticed I was bleeding quite badly. I also started to have weird cramping pains. It was really scary! When I went to the doctor he told me I had lost the baby. He said there was no real reason he could find; he asked whether I was overly stressed about anything. I almost laughed at him it was such a ridiculous question. I mean, I obviously was stressed! I felt like it was my fault, because I couldn’t handle the stress.

After I lost the baby I found myself back in that whole cycle of feeling so numb and lost and in total despair… I was unable to find anything good in what had happened. I didn’t want to forget about that good thing that had been there so every day I wore (and still wear or carry with me) a tiny pair of gold feet that, the same size as hers when she died.

I have never told anyone about this before, and I feel like maybe saying something will help me to be able to talk to someone. And I want to help other people who have gone through the same to understand they are not alone.