I defy you to top this biking tale of woe

Anyone who went to NCSU during the eighties probably downed a few brews at the Blimpies on Hillsborough St. I was out one night driving around on my motorcycle looking for fun. I stopped at the Blimpie's thinking a friend of mine might show up there. They served a nice large cup of beer for a buck, so I settled down, determined not to get faced before my bro turned up. Well, two cute girls sat down near me, and started in on their beers.

Now, I'm not a GQ cover, but I’ve always had a good line and am not afraid to start talkin’ smack to a girl. So I started in with these two, and real quick, was sitting with them. At their suggestion, we started playing quarters. So after a few rounds of quarters, and a few more cups, I got “the vibe” from one of em. But, fate intervened.

A couple of guys they knew came in, and were invited to sit with us. They told the girls that they knew where a party was, and asked if they wanted to go. The girls said yes, but they would have to ride with the guys, since neither had a car. Well, the girl who I felt was digging me asked if it was OK if I came along. I knew that the guys wanted me tagging along like they wanted a turd in their swimming pool. But they agreed, saying they only had a little car, and that I would have to follow them to the party.

Well, I hopped on the bike, and followed along, but I knew they would try to ditch me. And since I was half in the bag, I wasn’t up to running thru the red lights they blew thru in order to ditch me. It took a little while, but they managed to leave me behind. All the while, I'm trying to follow them, and wasn’t paying attention to where they were going.

When I finally admitted defeat, I had no idea where I was. So I started on a reverse course, trying to get back to town. After a few miles (and many wrong turns), I decided to stop and whiz. There was little traffic, so I stopped right beside the road, which had a steep embankment. I put the kickstand down just on the pavement, and stood on the other side to piss. No luck that night...An 18-wheeler went past with enough speed to tip the bike over.

I was on the downhill side, and it fell across the back of my legs. I was head-down in a ditch, in a puddle of piss-mud, with my dick in my hand. I guess being head down, and drunk, with a couple of hundred pounds of motorcycle laying on top, with the pipes burning my legs, thrashing around trying to get out, was just too much.

I passed out.

When I came to, this couple was pulling the bike off me, asking was I OK? I'm standing there, with piss-mud all over my front, my dick still hanging out, assuring them I was fine. We got the bike up to the road, I cranked it, jumped on, and took off. I finally got home, parked it, and walked in, to see my roommate sitting there. He asked me WTF had happened to me.

I just lied and said some old lady cut me off with her car. Never saw those two girls again either...