What kind of mother brings a bunch of 16 & 17 year old girls to Spring Break?

Years ago, three friends and I made the traditional American college student's pilgrimage to Mecca: Panama City Beach, FL.

It all began when we made a toast to our poor, defenseless livers on the inaugural day of a dangerous three day drinking binge.

Back then I never traveled without my guitar which proved fortuitous on this occasion. It became an icebreaker like no other and attracted more than we'd bargained for.

I don't know which came first, the drunk, the naked underage chicks, or the hot girl on my nuts. Either way, they all came over to hear a song or two. For starters, we all sat outside our hotel door that opened up to the pool area.

Drunk Brett arrived adamantly demanding "Freebird!" and stumbling over himself to sit down, spilled a beer in the process. Bad omen. If you take anything away from this story, it should be to avoid people like this because they bring nothing but bad luck.

After an hour or so of his rambling, we decided we had to get rid of him. When he wanted to use our bathroom, we told him ours was broken and that he could find one in the hotel lobby. As soon as he was gone we locked the door and took off for the bars. (Don't think for one second, though, that we've seen the last of him my friends.)

After an uneventful evening at the bars we slept into the next day. The drinking really didn't start until about one or so and this is when we ate anyway. By early evening we had another crowd outside our door as I strummed my way into the hearts of several lovely young ladies.

One particular group of girls seemed to have picked one of us each for their own. After a couple hours of drinking and chatting, we gave them some beads for their "talents". Somehow, the conversation turned to age. My friends and I were all 21 and 22 and didn't have a clue or a care up to this point how old they were.

When they looked at each other and giggled, we knew something was up. Turns out they were there with one of the girls' mother who had brought them there for her daughter's 17th birthday! What kind of mother brings a bunch of 16 & 17 year old girls to Spring Break?!?

Once again we found ourselves trapped in impossible circumstances. After investing so much time into something that seemed so promising, we were off to the bars again.

The next night, another crowd showed up and I found myself presented with my best chance to complete the Spring Break mission.

Amy was one of the sexiest girls I'd ever seen when she sat next to me on the couch in our hotel. We discussed whatever drunk people discuss and I recall that she went to MTSU and that she was very interested in showing me her breasts. Good lord were they perky!

We had been kissing and rubbing for a little while when her friend burst in crying. "We have to leave right now!" she sobbed.

"What's wrong?" we asked.

She refused to tell us and pleaded with my new friend that they had to leave. I suggested, thinking with my lower brain, that I could drive Amy back to Tennessee on my way back to Charlotte.

To my surprise, Amy was all for it. She was showing an adventurous side that I thought might transfer well into the bedroom. However, I had never seen such a persistent display of cock-blocking and Amy had to leave, never to be seen again.

(As a very sad and unfortunate side note, we found out the next day that a girl had been raped in our hotel the night before. I can only imagine that it must have been that girl and the reason she needed to leave so badly.)

I didn't think it could get any worse but it did. You may recall Drunk Brett.

As I sat there on the couch at 3am wondering where I had gone wrong, he walked through our still open door with four of his buddies. They had just come back from the bars and wanted to thank us "for making sure that Brett was okay and that he didn't end up sleeping on the beach or something. Who knows what would have happened to him if you guys hadn't taken such good care of him and made sure he got home safe?

I smelled the sarcasm like the alcohol on their breath. I thought "Holy shit! This asshole crashed our party and we're supposed to baby-sit his drunk ass?!?"

We managed to talk our way out of that without any scuffle but in retrospect I wish we had fought them. It would have made for a better ending to this story.

Fast forward seven years and now I’m thinking about those crazy days and nights. I wonder what would have happened if I never brought the guitar.

Maybe Drunk Brett wouldn’t have nearly passed out on our patio. We may not have fed underage girls alcohol and stared at their tits. Or just maybe, Amy might have stayed long enough to… Well, that’s just something that I’ll never know.