When the Gap Valley Chick PETA girls found out about this, they flipped out

Living at B Hall at the University of Texas means it’s hard to get any homework done. Stereos blasting and social life every night with people wandering around and generally making noise, ordering pizza, talking on cell phones, and watching television...it’s amazing anyone graduates!

But I somehow survived freshman year and had made plans to move to an apartment sophomore year to escape all the noise and distraction and get down to business.

At spring break this kid named Roger, from Long Island, NY decided to organize a pig picking at a local lake in collaboration with a women’s dorm with whom we were best buddies on a Saturday. Roger bought the pig down at the stockyards and five of us went to pick it up in a crumbling, smoking Silverado pulling a homemade trailer behind it. The trailer was a cut off Jeep back end that looked like something Ellie May and Jethro might have welded.

We were only a few miles from the University when somebody called out "the pig’s not on the trailer!" We stopped on the Interstate and sure enough that pig had either jumped off at seventy miles an hour, or been catapulted off in a pothole encounter.

We backtracked three exits back and looked alongside the Interstate in hopes that we might find our beloved pig. And as soon as we got back on the highway, there was the pig, on the side of the road dead as a mongoose.

Just then two rich debutante girls driving a Mercedes that we knew from an academic sorority house recognized us and pulled over to ask if we were stranded. We said no and simply pointed at the pig.

They were horrified.

They demanded to know if we had done it on purpose and we said that it was an accident. It turns out that they were both involved with PETA and they were as angry as two heterosexual men at an Ellen Degeneres taping.

They told us to put the pig in the trailer and take it to the vet and that they would pay for a proper burial. We told them that it would be better to let sleeping dead pigs lie and that was that. Back to campus we scurried and thought nothing of it.

Well, them goody two shoes Gap-wearing valley chicks called animal control and it turns out that the pig was only in some kind of roadkill coma and that they ended up adopting the thing and keeping it at a friend’s farm in the Austin area where they nursed the poor bugger back to health.

Little did we know that instead of becoming barbecue, the pig ended up living the life of Riley, as the sorority mascot for the next number of years and was generally treated better than any of us poor starving students, surviving on hamburger helper and Doritos.

The boy driving the Silverado (who really didn’t have anything to do with the pig picking ideas) was targeted by some friends of the PETA girls, and when he stepped foot into his apartment after spring break you won’t believe what he found.

They had gone to the animal shelter to get five cats that they let loose into his apartment. They filled the bathtub full of water and left twenty pounds of dead fish on the carpet.

The apartment had to be completely vacated and the police were called but the cops could not prove who did it or how the fraternity boyz entered the apartment without a key.

The Gap Valley chicks were equally horrified again as an act of animal cruelty and ended up hating that fraternity and breaking off any contact, so in the end nobody was happy at all … except Riley the pig.

We never got a barbecue, Bill's apartment was trashed, five cats were terrorized (and returned back to the shelter), the Gap valley chicks were traumatized, and the frat boyz lost their association. The cops were also inconvenienced, and the apartment manager was angry for months.

The Silverado is still running and Bill told me that his textbooks still smell like fish and cat urine!