When I saw the pregnancy test in their bathroom, I just had to have a little fun--after all the preaching I get about my immorality

I have a pair of roommates who are boyfriend and girlfriend and share a room. They act all cutesy and talk to each other in babyish, whiny voices. They claim to be chaste and pure. I almost believe Reed, but I know Stacy's previous boyfriend, and he wasn't even a little shy when talking about how often he boned her brains out. Anyway, my roommates also like to get touchy feely on the couch right in front of me. Needless to say, they irritate me on good days and fill me with murderous rage on bad days.

So, one night my buddy, Jared and I go to the bar and have a couple pitchers. We reached the state of mind at which we generate good ideas and I mention the pregnancy test I found in the bathroom. Now, when I find an e.p.t. belonging to my supposedly celibate friends, my mind finds only two viable options: it was given as a joke, or somebody broke a condom and released a squadron of little squirmies into his girlfriend's uterus. Both options are pretty funny to me, and I put it out of mind until that night at the bar.

At the bar, Jared, some other friends, and I decided that something needed to be done about the shmoopie roomies. Sufficiently liquored up, Jared and I go back to my house.

By this time, it was about 1:30 and Jared needed to take a leak. I showed him the way to the bathroom and the infamous pregnancy test. So, he opened it up and we decided to try and hit that .01% inaccuracy with some ordinary drunk Jared urine. After he's all done, we waited on the couch to see whether or not Jared was pregnant. Unfortunately the test was negative. Only one of the two thin red lines showed. Determined to find a way to beat the test, we head to my room to get the Internet to find out how these things work.

My other roommate, who we call Dingleberry, is right next to my room. Dingleberry was still up studying and asked us what we were up to. I said, "You'll find out soon enough. Hey, is that your red marker?" He pointed to the Crayola washable marker and said, "No this is Stacy's." I grabbed it and Jared and I go back to the couch and draw the necessary line to get a result of knocked-up.

Armed with a surprisingly real looking positive test, we go grab some sticky notes and head to the kitchen. Stacy likes to write stupid shit like how much we owe for cleaning supplies, or dumb questions like where is the broom on the fridge board. We copied her handwriting as best we could to write: "Reed, we need to talk."

Finally, we needed to put it somewhere only Reed would find it. His bag of Doritos was the ideal place. Nobody else eats his Doritos under the threat of choking on a pube since his hand goes straight into the bag after a 30 minute crotch scratching session. With everything in place, Jared goes back to his house and on my way to bed, I close up the preg test box and put it back in the bathroom drawer.

The next morning I woke up feeling pretty smug. I was getting ready for my morning whiz and with my hand on the door handle, I heard Reed and Stacy talking.

"...who do you think did it?"
"I don't know Stacy. It wasn't me."
"Probably Franklin and Drunk Jared."
I went in their room and said, "What's the matter, Reed?"
"You're a mean guy, Franklin."
"Ha Ha! I don't know what you're talking about."

He just gave me a stern look.

"Oh, the pregnancy test. You're the father of my and Jared's baby."

"That really scared me when I found it."

This was exactly what I wanted to hear. "What do you have to be scared about?" I asked. He got all red in the face and muttered, "Nothing." I didn't wait for him to change the subject. I went back to my room and enjoyed my vision of him finding the test and sitting alone on the couch waiting for Stacy to get back from class, worrying about what he was going to do.

Since then, I don't have to hear their crap as often and I can hold over him the fact that Reed used to say premarital sex, strippers, porn, etc. was immoral, and I caught him fornicating.

Victory is mine!