I thought "imbalanced" girls just had big boobs, I learned what else that meant--all too well

When I first moved into the dorms, all that was on my mind was getting laid.

The first floor of my side of the building was known for being inhabited by RA's and "unbalanced women." I thought "unbalanced" meant big boobs. So I journeyed down one day and noticed an open door at the end of the hall. Upon approaching this door I noticed an increasing odor. It was like perfume but rendered you helpless. It was the most efficient man-paralyzing perfume I'd ever smelled. On the couch was a pretty girl smiling at me. This was Marlena. The smell was something that she would come to be known for.

"Hi," I smiled.

"Hello," she purred as she shot me the horniest look I'd ever seen. She really didn't need to do this as I would have made love to a tree at that point of my desperation. I walked in and we made the normal small talk. I paid no attention to what she was saying...

"So I left Eastern Michigan because my boyfriend got a restraining order against me for no reason..."

"What a dick," I replied, only listening to the tone of her voice... which was quivering and psychotic. ‘Ok Judd time to make your move,’ I thought to myself.

I sat down on the couch. She jumped on me and pinned my arms down. Boy was she tall. This is the point at which I should have figured out what people meant by "unbalanced", but that damn perfume and the sexy 22-year old on top of me, had greater power.

So the night went on with lots of dry-humping... so much I actually went to the doctor's the next day. Ouch. But another thing I missed was her telling me she loved me.

"... as a person," is the way she put it. I could deal with that, I guess.

So we started going out--"steady" if you will. Whenever she'd see me around she'd scream, "babiiieee!" clap her hands like she was "special," and do some sort of f’ed up gallop up toward me. I always knew five minutes before this would happen, because of that damn perfume. I could smell her coming every time. She knocked you out of clear thinking before you could realize she was a retarded, galloping predator.

So my girlfriend's insane. Worse things have happened. But, not as bad as things that were to come.

A couple weeks into the relationship, she ran out of perfume. She started going crazy... or was she crazy all along? These questions starting going through my brain. She started twitching a lot. I noticed her galloping to the cereal corral. I saw her foaming at the mouth when we walked past a dead bird--ok I made that up.

"Marlena, I don't think we should see each other anymore." I was sincere, polite, and truly sorry for her recent issues.

Her eyes grew, a vein popped out of her cleavage, her face turned white, then gray, then a little purple, then red. Her nose started bleeding. "You can't," I think if satan were alive and a woman, this is what she would sound like.
not an option.

Boom. She pinned me down on her floor. The only way to get her off me would have been to kick her ass. No jail for Judd—so, I laid there and tried not to make eye contact.

"Is it because of the way I smell?" she asked.

Oh my God, she knows.

"No, of course not."

"Baaaiibeeii! BAAAIIBEEEI!" She was drooling in my nose. Sexy.

I looked over at the clock and started making a wager with myself about when I'd be able to get out of there. Finally, I decided to make my move.

"Ok, I'll stay here tonight..."

"You promise?" her eyes were big again and she was turning another color...

"Yes."

"Ok I'm gonna go brush my teeth!" off she galloped. Man did she stink. Did she fart?

I took off faster than a cracker in Harlem. I was sprinting up the stairs and she was gaining on me. She grabbed my pant leg and I fell on the floor. Then... came the worst part. She picked me up by my shirt, pinned me against the wall and slapped me.

Now who's the bitch, Judd? You are.

After that she got more perfume. Now, whenever I smelled it, I went away.

It became known as the "psycho smell," and I became known as the guy who got beat up by a chick.