The similarities are undeniable

The story takes place at the end on the fall semester. Classes were done and we decided to throw one final kegger at our off-campus house for the seniors who were graduating in December. One of the people in attendance was a gentleman whom we will call Pudget. He was the guy who was constantly fucked with. At parties, people would spit on the back of his short, throw empty beer cans at him, and make him the butt of every joke. One time he passed out on a couch during a party and two people, including a girl, dumped a cooler full or ice and water on him, one kid used to walk around with a lighter and holding it to his back to make him think he was trying to start his shirt on fire (more on this later) and I even heard one time people tricked him into drinking piss at a party.

Well this was a particularly cold night in December and the party was in full swing. There were people out on the screen porch standing around the keg, then directly inside the house there were people in the kitchen hanging out and then next to the kitchen there was a beer pong table in full use. At one point of the night someone’s younger high school brother comes up to me and said he had shit in an empty cup and put it on the beer pong table in the middle of a bunch of empty cups. Eventually the cup was knocked over and a handful of people saw the piece of shit fall on the table, got some laughs and then the kid pushed it back in the cup, no big deal.

In the meantime, there were about 7-10 people on the porch, including myself, my other roommate who was graduating, and then a bunch of our other friends, and of course, Pudget. As we are out there, the high schooler sticks his head out the door with the cup o’ shit and tells us the story of what had happened inside. He does not make a big deal about it so it goes unnoticed by most of the people in the room.

However, the idea does arise to put the piece of shit into a cup of beer and see if we can get Pudget to drink it. So we prepare the beer and once Pudget enters the room, we offer up a toast for the graduates. So with cup in hand, raised up high, we all offer best wishes to the seniors and everyone drinks up, so to speak. Of the 10 people in the room, only 2-3 knew what was going on. Pudget takes a sip, hesitates for a minute, and takes another. Then in a roar he screams, “it’s shit, it’s shit, there’s shit in the beer” as he slams it to the floor. Everyone’s jaws drop and we all look at him in complete disbelief. No one wanted to be the first to break out in full laughter and insinuate blame, so out of nowhere some one starts singing some Christmas carol and everyone joins in.

So Pudget leaves the sounds of White Christmas to run inside the house. Eveyone falls to the floor laughing. Then it dawns on me, this kid just drank shit, most likely assumes I had something to do with it, and now is inside my house … not an ideal situation. So I open the door to follow him, intending to throw him out. However, as I open the door I see someone holding a light to his back (see above) but unlike the other times when they held it at the middle of his back so it would not catch fire, they were holding it at the bottom of his shirt and there are full flames flying up his back. I yell out, “Pudget is on fire” and I run outside to grab the hose.

Then Pudget, with a 2 foot flame running up the back of his polyester multi-colored sweater, runs back outside through the porch and everyone throws their beer at him to extinguish the flames. They even rolled him in the snow for good measure. Then, after finally getting the hose on the side of the house unraveled and turned on, I came sprinting around the house to save the day. At that point Pudget is standing on the steps with his shirt off (no worry, there was no permanent physical injury, apparently K-Mart sweaters make a great fire retardant material), but not wanting to chance it I proceed to hose him down in the front yard. Once we were all completely assured that Pudget was no longer in danger of spontaneous combustion, we turned off the hose and proceeded back to the party.

Pudget then turned and walked the five blocks back to his house. He did not have to make the walk alone though. Following him was his redneck roommate who as they walked home kept yelling “You’re a turd butt” (No idea what that means). That was the last we saw of Pudget, but we latter learned that the experience that night had not held Pudget back from his career goals. Upon leaving school that semester, he became a model scout for plus size models (no lie).