Y’all know the one that sells nothing but beer, is in walking distance and turns a blind eye to even the crappiest fake IDs!

Don’t you love the rare days when all turns out better than you could have imagined?

In college I decided I was going to try all the crazy shit I could while I was young (and sponsored by my parents). At U of Tex Austin they have what you call “informal classes” on every fucking thing conceivable. One year I was perusing the list and saw skydiving.

I immediately signed up. I talked a good friend of mine into following suit. Fast forward to jump day. It was in San Marcos about 30 minutes south of Austin, where my friend goes to school. At his place he pours himself a beer and offers me one. I’m like, “the instructors will smell booze, numb nutz!” His response is to produce a prescription bottle of what appeared to be cough syrup. But, I knew it was something more by the he silly shit eating grin he had going on.

“It’s paragoric,” he piped out. “It is opium tinture given for extreme cases of the shitz.” He said he got it in Mexico. We each down a shot of this camphor-smelling syrup and head off for parachutes. The PG made everything seem quiet and peaceful rather quickly. At that point my friend admits that he took the PG to help him go through with the jump. It seemed to be working for us both.

Soon we geared up and got in this single engine plane, little gnat of a plane. On a first jump you go tandem or with some big fucking lug strapped to your back -- a lug that knows what the hell he is doing. As we get to 10 thousand feet, I find my self hanging on the goddamn wing. The dude says go for it and you let go then he pulls some freaky shit and we end up doing three backflips before I know what’s going on and then we are in standard freefall. My face was flapping in the 120mph breeze and it was really difficult to breathe. Then moments later, pure ecstasy as the chute opens at 4500 feet. It was a good 25 degrees cooler up there, but being Texas in July it was perfect until at 500 feet the temperature shot back up to blow dryer heat! I never knew that just 700 ft could be such a temperature difference. Then as my friend landed we were both like, “dude, I’d do that again but it’s a wallet-draining $120."

Incomprehensibly euphoric from the jump and the little dash of opium, we need chow, so we go and eat like undisciplined pigs. Fully satiated and only 6pm, we head to the beer store. Y’all know the one that sells nothing but beer, is in walking distance and turns a blind eye to even the shittiest fake IDs! We grab 2 - 12 packs of Coors Light.

On the way back, I hear, “Tim, Tim!” As I look over, I see Lita this hottie from my hometown. You know the one who you flirt back and forth with but never hook up with and later wish you had. She is up visiting her friend Sandra in town. Sandra is a totally cute blond but it’s Lita that really warms my gravy. She is brunette, tan with big blue eyes and the right sized chest and fantastic legs: clearly defined hamstrings and perfectly shaped calves.

After the usual bullshit banter, we were back at Dale’s place. As we hit the door me and Lita are making out. I go back to his bedroom carrying her in her cute little bikini. I undid her top and her funsacks were unveiled: two peppy, upturned boobs! Then, bottoms down.

Now I’m fumbling to put on my rubber. We lie on the bed me on top. She is about 5’ 9”, which is good cuz I like to make out while I’m with girls as pretty as Lita. As excited as I was, I’m think I’m going to cream my twinkie before I give it the first love shove. Well as happens sometimes, the wanker sizes up according to the excitement level and that Trojan split like a boiled hotdog! Thank god I carry some back-up magnums that can tolerate the throbbing purpleheaded custard launcher. So I finally enter the holiest of holeys … and embarrassingly quickly I’m convulsing with my orgasm. I tell her it’s been a while. She was unfazed and soon she’s on top of me thoroughly enjoying this position. Feeling a little less excited, I roll over and get on top. That did it for me. I sorta fainted, I spunked so hard. Then we lay there and talk until we hear what sounds like someone trying to strangle a cat. It doesn’t take long to figure out Dale is porking the stuffing out of Sandra. We don’t want to go out and embarrass them do we?

Then we heard a funny sound like a small animal dying. We finally all were in the common area ready to start pounding brews. We grab the funnel and it’s on! Lita and I also take some PG, a smaller dose than earlier in the day. Our cognitive functions deteriorated quickly and we ended up playing quarters. After the girls passed out, Dale breaks out some nitrous oxide. We had done this a couple of times and were having a good time with our high-pitched laughing. Then Dale shat himself – he claims it was because of the intense laughing and the paragoric wearing off!

During the commotion, the girls wake up. Lita whispers to me, “did he have an acute beer accident?” when I told her that he did, it took all the self-restraint she could muster to contain her laughter. The girls spend the night and Lita and I dated for a year. I get excited just thinking about her…