I completely lost control of ALL my bodily functions--not pretty

I recently graduated and had the story of my graduation party posted on here by a friend; therefore I'll also post my personal favorite story from my days at Shippensburg University.

Date: December 30, 2001, my Sophomore year.

I took one of my good friends down to school with me a day early for New Years festivities. We were supposed to have a huge party the next night and we wanted to get away from home so we left with a 30 pack and a handle of Banker's Club Vodka.

We got down to my place and wasted no time getting started. In about three hours we had housed the 30 pack of Miller High Life (I now have a taste aversion) and I realized as I looked at the beer-a-mid on my desk, that I held up my half and then some.

I was pretty well destroyed and stumbled downstairs where my older roommate had just got back from the bars. He proceeded to make a drink for the guys who had survived this far. The drink was that warm Banker's Club in a pint glass flavored with an orange kool-aid packet, no sugar added. Good idea.

The first to try this drink was my neighbor. He took a sip and puked all over our kitchen counter. My friend took a sip and said, "that’s the most god awful shit I have ever drank." So, my roommate and I trying to be hardasses, drank the rest in like five minutes.

You think it's over, nah! We made another one, grape flavored. The grape flavor was non-existent it was basically just purple coloring. We pounded that and began arguing about the NFL playoffs. The next thing I know, I am getting up from the kitchen floor to vomit in the sink/on the counter as my neighbor had done earlier. Then, black out.

Then I woke up. No recollection of how I had got in my bed and with a splitting headache. Also something smelled; it was awful.

After debating whether to move, I rolled over and it hit me, literally. I had shit myself, pissed myself, and vomited all over my pillow: one of my finer moments. I tried to stand only to fall, where I proceeded to crawl to our small shower down the hall to wash off. I also fell in there and had to wash myself on the floor of the shower.

After that mess was dealt with I had to gather myself to get dressed and stand up so I could dispose of my sheets. After carefully balling them up to avoid touching my fecal matter, I took them out to our dumpster. Outside, I puked again and fell back to sleep.

I awoke at roughly noon to my roommate screaming, "why is there shit on the wall in the bathroom." Yeah, we all know why. He then told me how he fell over going to his bed the night before and had a huge cut on the side of his ass. We both laughed about how much we were idiots and I remained in the fetal position for the next 6 hours or so, only getting up to violently puke and go back to being curled up on my bed.

I will always remember that New Year’s Eve because: a) I was probably close to dying, and b) for not drinking. Seriously, when you lose control of your bodily functions the night before, even I have to draw the line.