"You’re just going to sleep with me and brag to all your brothers about it!”

Back in my sophomore year, my friends and I decided to go down to a party at my buddy’s neighbor’s house. Once we arrived, we noticed there was an excess of Y-chromosomes – in Layman’s terms, a complete Sausage Party. Not only did this suck on general principle alone, but it sucked even more because it was the last weekend of the Spring semester – and like all testosterone-ridden males during the last weekend of the year, I was looking to bring someone home with me to help me kick off the summer.

The few girls there were mostly made up of hairy-bushed hippy chicks and other guys’ girlfriends– very “slim pickings.” But thankfully, due to my sexually predatory, frat guy nature, I was able to sniff out and zero in on my best chances of a sure thing.

My “sure thing” came in the form of Samantha, a girl from another school who was up visiting her friend. Samantha was apparently in the ROTC, and afraid to inhale any of the pot smoke floating through the air like a fog. This left Samantha standing as stiff as a Popsicle stick in an isolated, pollution-free corner of the house. Opportunities usually don’t get any riper than this.

I approached her and played out all the typical moves in my charming arsenal of wit and broke her down to the point of thinking I was interested in just “hanging out.” Things started to get a little shaky, however, when she found out I was in a fraternity.

“Oh…” she says. “You’re just going to use me for sex, aren’t you?” I was a little taken aback. I did my best to convince her that this wasn’t my motive, but she didn’t believe me. “No! I can’t talk to you! I know how you ‘sorority boys’ are! You’re just going to sleep with me and brag to all your brothers about it!” While she was pretty dead on with her observation, it was pretty clear that the full extent of her fraternity experience came from watching Jason Biggs movies. But, I was able to recover, convincing her that her fears were totally unmerited and that she obviously doesn’t know too much about frat guys if she thinks we’re in a sorority

The night went on and lucky for me, Samantha’s sobriety and inhibitions went out the window pretty fast. Next thing I know, she has me outside pressed against the wall, kissing me and saying “You’re so awesome! Not like all those other sorority guys in there!” For some reason, anytime I told her that guys belong in fraternities, it went out the other ear.

Eventually, I was able to get her to come back to my dorm, were we proceeded to get naked on my douche bag roommate’s bed (he had the bottom bunk). While this was happening, her friends were calling my room and leaving messages on my answering machine to the effect of “Please come home, Samantha! You’re making a big mistake!” I would’ve rather cheering and applauds, but whatever.

So we’re having sex and everything is going fine. I’m having fun and she seems to be too. Just as I’m getting ready to finish up, she screams at the top of her lungs.

“STOP! Please!” and I mean she screamed it. I stop and ask her what’s going on. “Please stop! Please stop and get out of me! I feel like a whore!” I’m lying there, in mid-thrust, trying to figure out what’s happening. “Please stop! I know how you sorority guys are! I don’t want to be a whore!” She started screaming some more. I reluctantly pulled out fearing she was about to scream “rape” or something.

So I sit there, naked and sexually unfulfilled on my roommate’s bed, wondering what the hell just happened. Meanwhile, she’s crying, getting dressed and constantly apologizing all at once.

“I’m so sorry!!” she cried. “I just don’t want to be another sorority boy’s slut!” Shouldn’t she have thought of that before she got all drunk and slutty? She gathered her stuff up and left. The best part was two minutes later, when she had the nerve to come back and ask me to walk her back to her friend’s place since she didn’t know how to get there. After that night, my balls stayed a fine shade of blue for at least a month.