Theo's substitute for anal lube, came straight out of the McDonald's bag

I've been checking out your site for the last couple days and I was dismayed to find that there are no stories from my old school, the University of New Brunswick, so I thought I would add one. I had a great time during my university days with many drunken binges, random hook ups and embarrassing drunken moments being the source of great stories. However, one story in particular stands out as my favourite even to this day.

It was the second semester freshman year as I awoke one Saturday around noon hungover and in need of some food. I didn't want to eat alone so I decided I would go down to the second floor, wake up my drinking buddy Theo and drag him to the caf with me. We had been out the night before and Theo, being the horn dog that he was, was on a mission to get some since his ultra Christian roommate was away for the weekend and Theo really wanted to impress some poor chick with his new satin sheets. We pre drank in Theo's room with many beers, shots, bowls and some McDonald's thrown in to hold the whole mess down. Then we went out to the campus bar with a big gang, had a blast and Theo managed to drag a cute but "plump" girl back to his room while I went home empty handed. I knocked a few times on the door and finally I heard Theo cry out in a weak hungover voice "come in." I walked in and was immediately hit with a rush of the most potent stink you can imagine, it smelt like burnt garlic mixed with the most rank fart you've ever smelt.

I gagged a couple of times and collapsed in the chair next to the desk, weak from the stink and assuming that Theo and the chick ordered a pizza and Theo had been cutting beer farts as he slept. Once my eyes stopped watering and adjusted to the dim light, I noticed that Theo was in bed alone and last night's conquest was nowhere to be seen. I also noticed that there was a puke bucket next to the bed, puke stains on the floor and two big towels hiding something near his roommate's bed. Naturally, this prompted me to ask Theo, "so how was your night ?" Theo sat up in bed, looking pasty and sick, and proceeded to tell me one of the most insane hook up tales I've ever heard.

Apparently, Theo and this chick were going at it hot and heavy on the couch with her giving him head and him returning the favour, when Theo decides it's time get down to business and move things over to the bed. He gets her under the covers, she's impressed with his new sheets, loving all the attention she's getting and things eventually progress to the point where he's boning her in the missionary position when things take an interesting twist. The whole time Theo is on top he has one hand under the girl's butt for more leverage and he's also working his finger around her bung just to add a little more "spice" to the act. After about fifteen minutes of this, she's really worked up and much to Theo's surprise/delight, really into the butt play, so much so that she asks Theo if he'd give a little anal action if she got up on all fours. Of course Theo's up to the task but there is one small problem, he doesn't have any lube! It's at this point that Theo realizes he has to think on his feet and find a substitute fast, if things are going to continue down the brown canal. He looks around the room in desperation and stumbles upon the substitute lying in the pile of McDonald's trash on his desk from earlier in the evening. Apparently, one of us had ordered a salad but forgot to use the Italian dressing that came with it. In his drunken state, Theo deduced that Italian dressing is 80% oil and oil is slippery so he got behind his new friend, who was on all fours on the carpet busy playing with herself and totally oblivious to what was about to happen.

He opened the packet of dressing, poured a huge amount on his member and slid inside. He got himself up to a nice rhythm and she seemed to be enjoying herself when he first noticed the smell that was wafting up to his nostrils. It seems that the friction of the act was heating up the combination of her natural odor and the dressing with the result being an increasingly rank smell that was something like, as Theo put it, "crap garlic" and the more he pumped, the more it stank. Theo was willing to put up with it because he was getting his rocks off but it soon became apparent that she didn't feel the same way. About ten minutes in she asked him to stop because the stench was making her sick and then proceeded to power puke all over the floor while still on all fours. The force of the puking combined with all of the "lube" caused her to involuntarily pinch a loaf which dropped right in front of Theo, grazing his bone on the way down. All of this was too much for him so he puked all over her back causing her to puke again which in turn caused him to puke. It was like the pie eating contest scene in “Stand by Me.”

This puke fest cnotinued for some five minutes until both of them were empty at which point she stood up and without a word, toweled off her back with his t-shirt, gathered up her clothes and ran out into the night leaving my poor pal to clean up. Theo was so exhausted by his ordeal the he simply took two of his towels, tossed one over the puke puddle and the other over the turd and promptly passed out. I know this sounds too crazy to be true but after laughing hysterically for fifteen minutes at my buddy's fate I was confronted with the proof when Theo got out of bed to get ready. When he stood up he wasn't wearing any clothes and I accidentally got a view of his unit which was completely covered in those little dehydrated vegetables that come in nothing other than Italian dressing. D’oh!