You say "the dream" doesn't include a naked coed...

Sundays were our day to drink and be merry, and we took total advantage of all local summer deals. Wingers that night had $6 rail pitchers. I was with my brother, Carson, who goes to UND and my buddy Tarp. We took full advantage of this deal, a great deal; Sundays were always a good time because the bars wouldn’t be that crowded and you could pretty much get away with anything you want. Well it was getting on to bar time and we were discussing what we should eat.

My brother suggests a local sub joint that’s open until two. We all agreed and Carson went over to get the subs while Tarp and I finished off a pitcher and bought one more right before bar close. We hid said pitcher under a shirt and walked out of the pub—not quite sure where this spark of creative genius came from...

Well, we met up with Carson and started walking back to my house on High Ave. The walk was a long and strenuous one so we decided first chance we had we would stop, eat and finish the pitcher. It didn’t take long to find a place, right outside of Gruenhagen. You know when you are drunk you tend to scream more than talk, which is a natural and acceptable occurrence. Unknown to us the dorms had younger girls in them for some soccer tourney in Oshkosh that week and were being monitored by an RA. This RA wanted to see what the ruckus was and came out to find us three laughing and eating our subs. He (very rudely) asked us to leave. I think the word “f**k” came out of his mouth more than once. Carson and I started to get up when it happened.

Tarp turned to the RA and started cussing up a storm. The RA said a few things back when I see this sub flying through the air, it seemed to take forever to reach the face of the RA. When it hit the man without hesitation he lunged off of the three foot wall at Tarp and tackled him. I jump in the middle trying to break this scuffle up getting my nose bloodied and some scratches. Apparently this RA is an 8 year Marine veteran and some martial arts expert. Tarp can sure pick em’!

They released their grips and backed off, and then the RA started to call the cops. I told my brother and Tarp to get to my house and I would stay and deal with the police. Tarp turned around like he was going to walk away so I let my grip off of his arm. But the second I did that he did a 180 and charged at the RA. The RA did some takedown move and put Tarp on his back, and then I heard the scream; a scream of pure pain.

The RA was digging his thumbs into Tarp’s eyes, so I ran over there and told him to get off, which he didn’t. I proceeded to thump this like 30 year old RA. For the first several shots, he didn’t release his grip on Tarp’s eyes. Then he finally rolled off of Tarp as the sirens could be heard approaching.

Tarp and my brother took off, while I just hung out there and bragged a little to the Marine about my four years serving in the “hardcore” Air Force.

It didn’t take long for the cops to catch Tarp- he was on High trying to sneak through some bushes. They took him to jail for assault and battery and gave me and my bro a ride home. It cost 700 bones to get that kid out and I almost got kicked out of school, but hell, I can say I did what many freshman guys dream of doing.

I beat down an RA and didn’t get shit for it. Still not sure why I didn’t go to jail…