After that night, my mom bought me a copy of “Live Like Jesus Would”

Friday October 13. My 21st birthday and I had no intentions of going to any class that day.

10.00a.m. woke up and started taking shots with my friends who apparently convinced me to go to my business communications class to give my speech on consumer rights.

12.00: went to my communications class drunk and somehow turned my consumer rights speech into a speech about birds and how they are pointless in our world. I've been told I said only homosexuals like birds, and how I was really craving some chicken.

12:20: got kicked out of class.

12:25: my friends drove me home and made me some chicken.

12:45: my boyfriend comes over and surprises me with a bottle of vodka and some whipped cream.

1:45: by this time the whipped cream has been put to good use and I drank a good half of the bottle of vodka. I'm lying in bed with my boyfriend. Naked.

2:00: the doorbell rings. I wrap a towel around me and go answer it.

2:01: I'm standing in front of my mother and my grandma who have come to surprise me. I'm in a towel, drunk, whipped cream in my hair, and vodka on my breath.

2:02: my mom screams at me for being irresponsible and gets out her self-help book on how to be a good mother. She tells me to eat bread and go take a shower immediately.

2:04: my boyfriend walks down the stairs in a towel and my mother gets out rosary and starts asking God to forgive me for my sins.

2:06: my boyfriend is kicked out and my housemates are trying to stop my grandma from looking in our fridge because it's filled with alcohol.

2:30: I get out of the shower, still drunk and giggly, walk downstairs to find my grandma in the corner opening a beer and my mom yelling at my housemates for letting me get this bad.

2:45: apologies are over and my mom finally gives me my birthday present. A book called "21 things you shouldn't do on your 21st birthday."

3:30: grandma and mom leave and my housemates convince me to do everything in the book that it says not to do.

4:00: I do #15 on the list: take a shot of 151 and run around the house naked.

4:20-8:00: doing random stuff I don't remember doing on this list, anywhere from calling random people, drinking, getting naked, (puking in-between some activities) and I really don't know what else.

9:00 I get ready to go out for the night. My friends make me a shirt that says: " I'm 21 today! buy my 21 shots and give me 21 kisses."

9:45: pregraming pretty hard.

Around 11ish: get to the bar

11:00p.m.-3:a.m.: get more than 21 shots

12:00 got on the bar and screamed something that no one could even understand.

12:01 Everyone still cheered and I did a scene from coyote ugly and made everyone call me Jersey the rest of the night.

12:20 I wanted to end my coyote scene with a grand finale and decided to try crowd surfing.

12:21: no one caught me and I fell to the floor and broke my nose.

12:24: got up and drank some cherry bombs.

12:35: I looked like bloody Mary because of my bleeding nose and I still went around trying to get 21 kisses.

12:40: a girl apparently told me to stop asking people for kisses b/c I looked sick and too drunk.

12:41: I told the girl that no one messes with me.

12:42: I was on the ground again. No one saw what happened. My guess is I probably punched her real hard and my force knocked me down.

That or she hit me.

12:44: decided to clean up and keep my cool.

1:30: my older sister got to the bar.

1:40: I told my sister that mom was disowning me and started crying because I wouldn't be her sister anymore.

1:45: I got over it with the help of some SoCo.

2:00: I puked in the bathroom and made a friend with this girl in my business communications class who feels the same way about birds.

2:20: left the bathroom because this girl was freaking me out.

2:22: realized all my friends had left and I had no ride home.

2:30: got a ride home with a bartender.

2:45: boyfriend calls and gets mad I’m riding home with another boy. Apparently he was waiting at his car to take me home. Like I knew that.

3:00 in my front yard in a fight with my boyfriend.

3:15: tell my boyfriend to put a sock in it and that he's an asshole and I fall down in my front yard.

3:16: my boyfriend leaves.

3:17: I call my boyfriend and tell him I'm sorry I didn't mean it and to come back.

3:18: I call again.

3:19: I call again.

3:30: My friends come outside.

3:31: I must have passed out.

9:00 a.m. Saturday October 14.

Wake up on the front lawn, puke next to me. Hair messed up, dirty, bloody clothes on. Writing on my body and a throbbing, swollen nose.

9:03: Go inside; see 15 missed calls on my cell and 4 new voicemails that say:

"Hey Sweetheart -- this is your mother, your father and I are very concerned about you. You left us a voicemail late last night saying you hate bird freaks and love Popsicles. We need to have a serious talk."

"Hey girl, ummm hi, you told me to go buy pickles, orange juice, condoms and a battery pack leopard. I really don't know what that means. It's like 4 in the morning and I'm tired...if you really want that stuff call me tomorrow and tell me why."

"Hey babe--we left the bar and we don't know where you are at, we're assuming you left already so we're going back to the house, oh and also, your sister came up to us and told us to be sensitive towards you, she said you’re worried about your family falling apart because of your sex life? ummm I guess we'll talk about it in the morning?"

"Sorry I didn't answer your phone calls baby I love you. You were just a little out of control tonight. You ditched me for a bartender and every time I tried talking to you all you kept saying was "I want a cheesy gordida crunch." Whatever, just call me back whenever you get this."

The next week:

-Got my nose fixed, still a little black and blue but I’ll live.

-My boyfriend forgave me and my mom sent me a package of holy water and a book called “Live like Jesus Would”

-My Business communications professor made me re-do my speech and only gave me half credit on it. I also had to apologize to the class and tell them I love birds.

-The bird freak in my class never talked to me again

-Read the John Carroll News and under the Campus Alert section states: “A girl called late Saturday night leaving a message on Campus Ministry’s voicemail claiming to be the new Jesus and started a bomb threat.” They then listed the number that made the threat.

It was my cell phone number.

It was a great 21st birthday.