I saw a large black thing starring at me from across the yard

I'm not sure where even to begin writing this story, I have so many different tales and almost all of them involve the consumption of alcohol. The liquid has been both the love and the demon of my waking life so far.

This story begins on a saturday evening in Northern England, there was a quiz on at the local pub where my friends and I would go and hang out and get wasted often. This was like any other night to start off with, nothing out of the unusual was really happening. As usual we screwed up the quiz because we concentrate more on drinking and taking the piss out of each other instead.

Then out of nowhere as the place was closing one of our other friends charged in looking really excited. He told us that in the woods a few miles away where was a bad-ass party going on there was loads of beer, food and girls so we immediately set off in a couple of cars to get there.

After twenty minutes of searching through the woods on foot we where confronted by a guy weilding a saw. We absolutely shat ourselves because we didn't recognise him, it turned out that he was a drugged up guy that had been cutting down substanital areas of woodland for the past three hours in the belief that the rather large fire that had been built where the party was needed fresh fuel.

We arrived at the site to find several tents with teen orgies in, a stash of well over 200 beers, a bigass fire where some random guy was impaling steak on sticks and hanging them over the fire to cook and a tent where people where smoking lots of doubie. At the time I had a part-time job and needed to be there the next morning so I had planned on leaving at about 3am and getting home to sleep. As the woodland wasn't too far from where I was staying at the time I figured that I would easily find my way home.

As the hours rolled on I befriended a guy who was guarding a whole ten of beer and got increadibly drunk with him. As time ellapsed I decided to leave my new friend and get on with the whole walking home business and staggered off onto the trail.

More than 5 hours later I woke up to see the blue sky over me and wondered why the fuck was I not in my cosey bed. I looked around me only to find that I was layed in a freshly manured field, in some unknown location in the wilderness.

The boots I had been previously wearing where tied together by the laces and hung around my neck. I had no socks on and my feet where covered in pigshit and covered it cuts. At this moment in time I cannot remember what was going through my mind except one thing..."Okay...I am lost".

I rose to my feet with an crazy pounding headache and began to walk barefoot carrying my boots across the field, my feet hurt so much that I couldnt bare the pain of strapping my boots back on. After ten minutes of walking I came to a hedge and climbed over it, there was a farm yard nearby so I proceeded into the farmyard. All of a sudden I saw a large black thing starring at me from across the yard, it turned out that the 'yard' was actually a bull-pen.

After a moment where I almost shit my self I legged it back to the fence and threw myself over it like the proverbial olympian, I then walked across to the other side of the field where I came across a road. I noticed there was a car headed towards me from out of the morning mist so I started waving.

It turned out to be one of my friends who was driving home from staying out the previous night. After laughing at me because I was barefoot and covered in animal excriment he eventually gave me a lift back home. Later on I recharged the drained battery on my mobile phone to discover a whole video documentary of my severely drunken exploits in trying to find my way home.

I had walked in the woods for miles using the light on my video phone to navigate, seemingly being persued by imaginary monsters. Eventually the video ended with me collapsing in the manured field until the camera phones film-time ended.

What have I learned from this experience?

Never get wankered in the woods ever again.

-And yes...I made it into work!!