Who mixes everclear and pineapple juice?

I wanted to move into my dorm early. Unfortunately enough, our campus had a policy that all students must live in the dorms their first two years of attendance.

I had tried to get out of this by moving into my fraternity house but unfortunately was too late on my request for exception to the two year policy.

Alas, I was bound to live yet another year in the fucking dorms and decided at least I'll move in early and miss the rush of the entire freshman move in.

This turned out to be an awesome idea due to the fact that I was able to move in about a week earlier than every freshman and therefore had a whole week without classes to chill and do basically whatever I wanted.

On the first day of freshman move in my fraternity had a little bar-b-que. We had brats and beer, and steaks, and all the trimmings and I was having a rather good time enjoying myself.

My fraternity is not the biggest by any means on campus but we still know how to have a good time, and I got the bright idea to have some fun. I found a huge piece of plywood and a permanent marker and wrote on the bored “HONK IF YOU JUST DROPPED YOUR DAUGHTER OFF!”

You’d be surprised how many honks we actually did get. You’re probably also surprised at how a stupid sign can make so many stupid frat guys happy.

The day progressed, and eventually we had to take the sign down because our greek advisor felt it to be a non beneficial look towards the greek community. It kind of upset me to see something so funny have to be taken down.

In return in my own silent protest I decided to drink heavily. I had been drinking just lightly for the most part of the day, but at this point took my drinking to a new higher level of almost enlightenment. I drank Pabst, Old Style, High Life, whatever cheap beer I could get my hands on.

I became intoxicated.

I also at this point ran out of cigarettes and had one of my bros drive me to get some more. He didn’t take me to a gas station though; instead he brings me to the closest liquor store. Instead of leaving with a pack of cigarettes I leave with a pack of cigarettes and Everclear, and pineapple juice.

Who mixes everclear and pineapple juice? I don’t know? We return to the bar-b-que, and I mix my drink and play some yard games and show some people my party trick where I spit the everclear out of my mouth onto a lighter and make cool flames shoot out of my mouth. I instead just burnt myself.

I then realized all my Everclear was gone (my brothers had just poured it out into another bottle and hid it from me) and went berserk.

I began stealing the crappy wine the sorority girls had brought over to drink, and when one caught me I became insanely belligerent with her and told her she was a dick-head-shit-whore (whatever that is).

Attention: at this point in the story I had blacked out and received all of my story from outsider sources.

I was pulled inside by my bros for making an ass of myself in front of these girls and told I had to stay inside and sober up a bit. I told them I would and the second they let me out of their site I ran outside and jumped off the porch into a pile of branches and leaves the brothers had cut off of the trees and bushes in the yard.

Most people found this pretty impressive and I decided that due to the applause I should do a victory lap...in the street, with the cars.

Not the smartest idea. So my bros take me home to my stupid dorm, but this turned out to be an even bigger mistake, because when they dropped me off I met off with a bunch of girls that had lived on my floor the previous year and they had an apartment and were going to the liquor store.

I bought us all a 30 of Stones because I guess I am very free with my money when I am drunk. Somehow from this point I find my friends that live in my dorm and they pick me up and take me to another fraternity that I’ve been to a lot before.

At this point my friends told me when they met up with me I had left that day with my letters on, a pair of nice shorts and shoes. When I met up with them I only had on a white undershirt, my nice shorts were completely ripped in the back completely exposing my ass, and I was wearing flip flops, but not good flip flops, like shower shoes.

At the second fraternity I was running around to all of the girls that I recognized as being in my ex-girlfriend's sorority and would not leave them alone unless they touched my butt.

When my friends found out I was doing this they made me leave and go home with them. Even then I was in no way ready to leave, however I did.

We came back to the dorm and got some Subway. Since I live on a relatively low floor we took the stairs to my room. I was following my friend Amy who was being my babysitter at this point, and was also very annoyed with me.

She said that I was telling her how much I loved Subway when she heard a crash and said, “Goddamnit Dan get up and lets go” as she was saying this and turning around though she saw me sitting on the stair holding my eye. Still pissed she said lets go again, and I said in my drunk mumble very honestly, "It hurts...Will you just look at it?"

When I took my hand away from my eye blood gushed out of where my eye socket laid with two bone deep gashes. Amy had a brain aneurism and called some friends and took me to the hospital in a friends car and when I arrived in the hospital I was in so much shock as to the fact that I would have to use my parents insurance to cover the procedures to repair myself I got violent with the staff and was threatened with arrest without treatment.

Amy said at that point I became very docile and passed out. I waited in the emergency room for awhile until eventually I received something like 15 stitches in two different places and horrible pain in my left eye.

While waiting to be looked over by a post operation doctor my wonderful friend Amy and I watched the Olympics. I seemed to enjoy that she said until the Romanians came on screen at which point I began foul mouthing “those mfing Romanians for their communist ways!”

I went home, and Amy put me to bed. I woke up the next morning and I was completely oblivious to what had happened until my friends filled me in the next day.

WHAT A FREAKING NIGHT!